Dysphorinception

So I've had an interesting few days just behind me.

Since Saturday I had been feeling very masculine... When I looked in the mirror all I saw was DeadGuy. Typical dysphoriaville.

Here's the interesting part: At no time was I feeling dysphoric as I should have been. I felt self-conscious about my budding boobs at work (I went braless and that was a mistake). I felt like a guy with tits. I hadn't bothered to shave my face for three days, my cargo pants and sneakers were masculine., I hadn't tucked. I just wasn't bothered at how I felt or looked.

And THAT gave me dysphoria. The giving a shit about not giving a shit about my manbro vibe. Riaan wasn't in the driver's seat, nossir. It was all Rhianne. It was like the new car smell had evaporated and I was back to driving a rustbucket but I was resigned to it with acceptance. I didn't lose hope or any of that. There was a fucktonne of self-analysis and confusion thrown in along for the ride, but that's par for the course).

Anyway, I had a poor night's sleep, but the little I had was enough to reboot me and this morning I felt fine and back to my normal self.. I wore the skinniest jeans and sluttiest boots I own and wore them to work. Extra set of bra pads and job done!

I feel like my testosterone is over 9000.

I had about 5 minutes of sex drive.

But now I feel nothing. Not even true hatred. I just feel a concept of justice and contempt for those who wronged me and my kind.

I wish pain, death and suffering on all who I hate. But I do not actually feel any hatred. I look at porn, and feel nothing. All I see is people in love, something I will never get to experience. And I don't even feel jealous. I look at them kiss, and it looks so stupid. Like they are drug addicts outside of this reality. Every second I watch it wastes my time.

I view 50% of humanity as evil, and morality and laws are simply a tool the wicked use to shield themselves from retribution.

And if you are wondering, no I did not orgasm. It is not that I do not have enough mirror neurons to enjoy the videos. It is not that I cannot feel empathy, it is that I feel none are deserving of my empathy. In these times it is like Sodom and Gomorrah, there is not one good.