fetish vs. reality

Woke up at 5 am tonight, looked down at my exposed belly and I felt right. The lighting was dark and when I looked down at my belly I looked down at my jeans and looked the same as a female, my belly was flat too and my shirt felt like it was navy blue and I had boobs. And I had no male urges of wanting to close or hide my belly, I just felt right exposing my belly like a true female and proud and right.

And it didn't feel like a fetish. It felt like I had a vagina, and no way to have an erect penis. Let me explain something to you. I once knew a rich man. I used to go over to his house as a child and play Mario. And he invited me to play paintball. But you know, my own parents wouldn't let me play. Wouldn't let me play Mario or paintball. And so when I looked at my belly something waved over me. Like I was a true woman. And how I lived at the rich man's house again. And that I was his daughter. And that I lived the good life, I was a lesbian who enjoyed videogames, but didn't have to be macho. Because deep down I am sick of being macho because I am a true sissy. I want to be pampered and adored and beautiful. I want to wear makeup. I don't want to be macho. I don't want to be lonely. I would have been so much happier, if I was born a woman, I could have been loved, and still do fun guy things like play videogames.

So, the whole thing didn't turn sexual until I physically did a 180 and laid on my belly. And it didn't turn into a fetish because my butt was exposed, that is, it wasn't because of my feeling like a bottom exposed. It actually was because I felt like a top. Because my dick and balls got activated when they rubbed on my bed and thighs. So it wasn't even an AGP fetish, because the thought of having a vagina wasn't what turned me on. I just started humping the bed. I didn't have any clear sexual goal or direction whatsoever, it's just I haven't masturbated in over a month and need to hump.

Which brings me again to the topic of AGP, and how it isn't even properly understood or relevant. I don't even think it should even be called AGP, but instead called ANP (Auto-nymphomania.) Because sometimes I lust after my own dick and balls. So obviously it shouldn't be called autogynephillia. AGP is like fraud-science, made up fake news, people join a bandwagon of stuff they don't understand and demonize people. They call you AGP, when you lust after your own dick and balls. At this point they don't even know what they are even saying.

Also, I think it is ANP because sometimes when I have a boner I think about getting a vagina to calm me down and control my sex-drive. But then this gives me an even bigger boner because its like, my penis wants to be saved and told want to do. And then I think about fisting my own vagina which turns me on even more because its like, my penis wishes it was a vagina. And to tell the truth I read about those people who regretted having a sex-change. My thoughts about this are two-fold. 1. The only way I would regret a sex-change is if I never got to have sex with my penis, and the regret would be out of pure curiosity of not knowing the other side. 2. If I did get to have sex with my penis, I doubt I would regret a sex change, I have always wanted a vagina even at an early age. Just something about the flatness, smoothness, sleekness, and feminineness of it that felt right to me. But here is the third thing. Being socially accepted as female when family knows you as male and does not pass. But it's like, who would even know I have a vagina? Even if I did not pass, I would be fine with having a vagina plus if I commit a crime I won't have to go to a male prison (one of my horrors is having to go to a macho male prison.)
So yeah I want the term to be changed to ANP officially now.

Anyway, it doesn't matter if it is a fetish vs. reality. Because either way I am male and a man. Stuck being macho. Stuck being miserable and single. And stuck having to live up to other's judgments and expectations. Because science can't do it's freakin job and turn me into a girl that truly passes (hormones simply do not do the full job.)