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Post  mariehart1 on Fri Aug 10, 2018 9:05 pm

I warn you before the start that this could be a bit of stream of consciousness thing. Not of the Angelic/Demon scale but be aware.
So the wife took the kids off to her sister's up north for the weekend. That's Ireland btw. Normally I go too but half the clan has decamped there so there's no room at the inn. Not that I mind. I like my time alone and in any case it's an opportunity to dress up, apply the lippie and paint my nails. Marie is in the house. So I pulled out an old summer dress of my wife, slapped on some make up and a wig and opened a very nice bottle of Chardonnay. No dysphoria tonight.

I even went out for a drive in my wife's little car, before the Chardonnay. I should add. Imagine the embarrassment of being busted for drink driving in a dress. Embarassed I even took a video of myself as I drove along in the sunshine. I looked good. I am feeling very happy. I'm even watching EastEnders, which I normally don't but I do love the hard edged east end women they depict. Sharon, Kat, Stacy. I want to be one. The first women I came out to as trans were the Dublin version of the eastender women. Tough working class women, grafters with a heart of gold. Women are the heart of society. BTW Danny Dyer, I worked with him on a movie when he was very young.

My best friend at the time, Julie grew up in one of the roughest parts of Dublin. She was wonderful, accepted me straight away. When she left to go to another job, we both cried. Then there was Mags, young bisexual. She gave me a pair of her sandals, you know the Roman style with strings up the leg and for Christmas she gave me a very sexy piece of lingerie which I now regret getting rid of.

Confession time the Chardonnay is kicking in. Mags boyfriend who was also a friend was once in touch with me via webcam. He asked me to model the lingerie. Which I did. It felt a bit weird but I did fancy him. Still I felt a bit used. Not the first woman to experience that.

He was a sexy guy, think gun owning small town US country boy who loves cruising with the boom box up full. He did own a rifle. I remember one night shift where he allowed me to touch his weapon. I even cocked it. A lot of stuff happened in the car park during night shift. That's where I tried on Mags sandals, they were size 5, I should mention proudly. Other people had sex in the car park and one night the shift manager who was a feisty Iranian lady caught some lads smoking pot in their car in the wee hours. Don't mess with the Iranians. Anyway that's all in the past. Although I'd love to meet Julie again. She is a friend who I love.

Anyway what was I on about. So I'm sitting typing with my nails all done up. Yesterday I bought a nice dark plum coloured varnish, as is the fashion from my local pharmacy. Drug store to youse Colonials. They know me because I buy my drugs there. The ones that keep me alive. But I don't care. I love pharmacies, chemist shops. Just gorgeous stuff.


The wine is nice, a French Chardonnay that would probably cost 5 Euro there but double the price here.

I've landed on BBC4, it's the BBC proms, Brahms. I'm captivated. No idea why, Perhaps it's the wine and perhaps because the last of the male façade is stripped away.

Before I accepted myself as trans, back when confusion reigned. I kept a diary. I wrote once wondering why I felt so different when dressed as a woman. It puzzled me. But I knew really deep down. Didn't want to admit I was trans. I remember rejecting it in my mind. I think it's a common experience for us. Angelic tends to express it in a very dramatic style under the impression that's she's alone in this experience.

I became aware that I was different around the age of twelve, puberty. But there were problems even before that. But this was 1972 so not exactly the age of tolerance anywhere. But I'd lie in in bed every night wishing I would wake up next morning as a girl. I still do to be fair. One of my fantasies is that I wake up one morning in a room, clearly a woman's room. When I rise from bed it's clear I'm a woman but I don't know how I got here. An easy fantasy, I skip all the trauma of transitioning. But in a funny way it happened. I wake up every day in a feminine room my partner is gone to work and I have to get up and do all the housework and look after the children. Am I a woman or what?

Gawd I'm now watching Love Island Australia on TV. I want all the men and I want to be friends to all the women.  Guess I've turned properly now.

Ok turn off that. Now it's Mrs Brown's boys on BBC1. It's ridiculously popular in Britain considering it's set in North Dublin, I should mention that North Dublin is considering the wrong end of Dublin. The Southside is posh. Bono is from the Northside. That says a lot. Anyway Brendan O'Carroll is in drag for our North American cousins. But he's not gay, in fact his wife plays his daughther and his kids play his kids. He's a comic genius. As he put it, a lot of people don't like Mrs Brown but she put his kids through college which is ironic considering they all work for him. Even his Lesbian sister. Winnie.

We all worry about passing but look at Mrs Brown but doesn't he pass? He definitely is Mrs Brown.


Yes as you can tell I'm feeling good. My intention is to stay like this until Sunday. If only Sunday was somewhere in the next twenty years.


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Post  Celia Eriksson on Fri Aug 10, 2018 10:19 pm

Hi Marie,

Thanks for sharing, that was as always a very pleasant read sweetheart, quite like enjoying a fine wine in itself! Though I must admit to preferring a nice Cotes de Gascogne Blanc.... it's generally a cheapo, so no I'm not a wine snob!

Celia xx

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Post  mariehart1 on Fri Aug 10, 2018 10:37 pm

Celia Eriksson wrote:Hi Marie,

Thanks for sharing, that was as always a very pleasant read sweetheart, quite like enjoying a fine wine in itself! Though I must admit to preferring a nice Cotes de Gascogne Blanc.... it's generally a cheapo, so no I'm not a wine snob!

Celia xx
Thank you Celia, sweetheart?, you know how to flatter. You are quite endearing.  I've become increasingly fond of your online persona. I'd love to meet one day. Honestly I am the person I appear to be. As for wine, I'm no snob because my sister worked in the wine trade for years. She travelled to South America on business. But pointed out that wine is about what you like. She educated us. Really a good wine is something special. This wine was a nice French Chardonnay but you can't go wrong with Chilean wine. Anyway when I and my sisters get together it gets hilarious because we all love wine. Imagine me and four girls?

If you're not sure buy Chilean.

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Post  Celia Eriksson on Fri Aug 10, 2018 10:41 pm

Oh Marie, I have to admit to never trying Chilean. Next time I fly down the aisle and pick my favourite, I'll stop a while and have a look!

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Post  mariehart1 on Fri Aug 10, 2018 10:55 pm

But you know what I really wish. That I was there with the gang, dressed like I am now with all my wife's sisters, who I love. Just being me instead of being alone. Ironically I'm pretty sure all three of them would be accepting in another context. One has a transgender friend. But I'm their sister's husband and she's mortally embarrassed about me even if in reality she has come to see me as a woman in practice. Lots of clues about that but she won't open up about it. I can't blame her really. I'd be the same if I had a trans husband.

The clues are about the way she behaves with me and her expectations about me. We talk as two women. Away from others she treats me like another woman. But in front of others she treats me like a man and I play along. Not sure how well that works as quite frankly I'm 100% woman with everyone.

But hey people often live a fiction.

I just wish I could just be Marie with everyone.


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Post  mariehart1 on Fri Aug 10, 2018 10:56 pm

Celia Eriksson wrote:Oh Marie, I have to admit to never trying Chilean. Next time I fly down the aisle and pick my favourite, I'll stop a while and have a look!
Quote my sis: 'If in doubt go Chilean. You can't go wrong'.

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Post  Celia Eriksson on Fri Aug 10, 2018 11:14 pm

Oh OK, I'll take Sis' advice!

Going back one though Marie, that will come one day. You being Marie with everyone. For now, don't worry about that, you are enjoying yourself and that is the main thing.

You know the real you and know where you want to go, they are major things! I try not to give advice on the net, especially so for anything medical, for good reason. Also, I don't commentabout how people feel about themselves. But, you know the true you and I think you are there girl, and you will get there too, with or without those fun sounding sister in laws!

From what I gauge, upon everything you have written, is that you are a nice person and you will go with your heart to be where you want to be. Best wishes honey, I have to sleep now coz I'm up early for another 12 hour shift at the funny bone house, and that's 12 hours if I'm lucky enough to get away on time.....


Edit: Oh that pic for my avator is ruddy dark..... vain old me....

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Post  mariehart1 on Fri Aug 10, 2018 11:39 pm

We are the one percent, the trans people, Celia. It's not fair. Even gay/lesbian are mainstream now but we remain on our own. I used to never think I was special. But really we are. I don't like it.

Anyway sleep well. I worked the twelve hour shifts long enough. Days, nights, a month of each. They're killers. 60 hours one week, 24 the next. Years of it. But to be fair the people I met on those shifts were the best people. Like being in the army, all of us together. Working class people, the real workers. Glad I'm out of it. But I loved those people. There is nothing to the craziness of sitting around at the three o clock in the morning break telling ghost stories. Or the last dawn smoke break as the sky was filled with airliners contrails inbound to Europe as we chatted like drunks on our last break. How more of weren't killed driving home on mornings is a miracle.

I miss those people sometimes. They made me find myself because they were just themselves. Real people. I owe them.

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Post  mariehart1 on Sat Aug 11, 2018 12:52 am

Anyway Celia's gone to bed so I can say what I like about her. I really like her though. She's sweet. I love her.
Right back to my stream of consciousness rant, a la Angelic. If she can dominate this forum so can I.
We are the one percent. Transgender is rare,  not that you think lately when we became a bigger threat to society than ISIS, Trump, Brexit and everything we ever held dear.

I never bought into being trans. I don't want to be trans. But I am.

I tried to fit in, God knows I tried. I suppressed it for years, then I accepted it, then rejected it and then decided to kill myself, then decided to reject it again and meet a woman. She foolishly fell in love with me. Then I bought into the straight thing, what was I thinking? Now I'm married with children and I'm a houswife with a wife who knows i'm trans but seem ok with it but won't admit it.

Yet she has no problem with me having women friends who I meet regularly. Basically she knows there's nothing to worry about. Yet can't make the leap.



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Post  mariehart1 on Sat Aug 11, 2018 2:11 pm

Yes indeed Angelic, that pretty much sums up men.

So I woke up this morning feeling a little delicate with the wine but blissful after yesterday. I got up had a shower and pampered myself. Then slipped on my rather racy pink satin robe and sat outside in the garden for breakfast. I suddenly realised how happy and relaxed I was feeling. I can't remember the last time I felt like this. Dysphoria what's that?


I'm totally comfortable in my skin right now because I don't have to maintain any form of male facade. So comfortable that I'm probably going to go shopping later. But what to wear? The eternal dilemma. Sexy or sensible? I don't really care if I don't pass perfectly, not anymore.

It all ends tomorrow but the glow will continue for a while. I really must set aside time for this in the future, go away for a couple of days maybe. Indulge myself.


I would love to stay like this, my transition dream is keep things as they are, my wife, family, friends. Change nothing but me. An impossible dream? Maybe but we are allowed our dreams.

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Post  mariehart1 on Sat Aug 11, 2018 9:22 pm

So day two, oh yes you thought you escaped but I'm back. I spent most of day living as a woman. I dropped the summer dress and wore my sensible clothes. It rained and eventually I went out for a drive in my wife's little car. I drove all around the city. All familiar places but not in this guise. I began to panic but didn't allow it to happen. Eventually I ended up in a shopping centre. I didn't go in even though I wanted to. It was raining and I hid under the umbrella. But I did notice that no one was looking at me. No one noticed me. All they saw was an older woman with great legs, I think. Doubt if they even noticed that.

I went home and changed. I dressed up as a man but in one of life's ironies. I worried I looked too effeminate. No really. I got my hair cut the other day. My barber was I think Brazilian, probably gay. Black anyway. Yes we have Brazilians in the west of Ireland. Anyway he asked if he should trim my eyebrows, a common thing here. But my eyebrows are quite sculpted anyway. So well I felt he did a great job. But really a bit too effeminate. Not that I object but well I'm in the closet.

Anyway I got some Prosecco and went home. Made some dinner for myself and opened the Prosecco. Then thought, why am I dressed up as a man? So out came the summer dress and tonight the blonde wig that makes me look like two of my blonde sisters.

Now I'm happy again, watching a documentary about Sylvia Plath, maybe my new hero for Celia's thread. Being a woman was so suffocating in the 1950s. Ironically I'm totally comfortable with being a domestic woman. Not much of a feminist. No wonder the TERFs hate us.


I'm really quite conservative. An older woman these days.


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Post  mariehart1 on Sat Aug 11, 2018 11:14 pm

I was watching the Sylvia Platt documentary. It was fascinating. She suffered from depression obviously. But she also seemed to suffer from a common female problem that plague women now, including my wife and me. We really can't accept the idea of intellectual women.


One of my failings is that I couldn't believe I could be a woman because I was too intellectual. There were two problems with that. One is that I thought I was intellectual, cue coarse laughter from the gallery. But I had bought into the idea I was a man and therefore intellectual. I'm neither but like many women I think men must be more intelligent. My wife is the same. But I've educated her by explaining that men only think they're intellectual and even if they are  idiots. Women are better. Two of her sisters are in fact intellectuals, Phds actually three are. One is an internationally recognised human rights lawyer. Her assessment of Amal Clooney is unprintable but she often expresses her desire to be a hairdresser and my boys think of her as a lovely auntie until I showed them her book on the rules of war. They really couldn't get their heads around the idea that their pretty blonde auntie who indulged them with toys was a lawyer.


I mentioned my sisters in law earlier, a get together is sometimes stressful because they wipe the floor with me in terms of intelligence. You have no idea how often I've silenced a room with a jolly comment, then have it cut to pieces.   But one of their problems is that they came through an era where being an intelligent woman was only just become acceptable so they are hybrid, half old fashioned, half modern.

My wife does my head in, she's the boss but can't cope with it. I constantly get distressed calls from her about various issues. She honestly thinks she isn't capable yet her bosses, all male have never once suggested she wasn't up to the job. I said to her, women are their own worst enemies. I see it in her sisters too. Extremely capable women who doubt themselves.


Being trans, I see that. I doubted myself because, I felt I was capable but if I was really a woman how could that be true. It turns out, yes I'm a woman and I'm not capable but I'm surrounded by intelligent capable women and have been all my life. My sisters, my Mother, my wife, my co workers.  I was known in one job for favouring women in my section, simply because they did the job. I'm sitting here in a pretty dress and a pink cardigan, bra and silly frilly panties. How can I be intelligent. Actually, yes I am.

Not that I say men aren't capable. They are and indeed civilisation depends on men but I do believe women push men to invent things to improve the world. Women are the real facilitators. A man invented a dishwasher, but it was woman who gave him the idea. I have two boys, they're great but left alone they would destroy the world. They need me and other women. Sometimes I think my wife doesn't really appreciate being married to a woman.  Very Happy

Hopefully I am educating my boys not to be sexist. A forlorn hope as my oldest is only eleven and is such a man. I think sometimes sexism is inherent. My youngest is less so but we wonder if he might turn out to gay. I hope not, not for homophobic reasons but for the selfish reason that I would love to meet the girl that he likes. She's bound to be quite the eccentric like him, which is not such a surprise given my wife's family which he definitely hails from, being an almost clone of his Mother, Did I mention how many Phds there are in her family?

Anyway, I'm an intelligent capable woman, just like my wife, my friends and my sisters and my sisters in laws.


I think I've become a feminist. Actually I've been one forever.


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Post  mariehart1 on Sat Aug 11, 2018 11:51 pm

Another thing. I've been looking at my dress, well actually it's not mine but my wife's. She bought it a long time ago, never thinking one day her husband would be wearing it. Not that she even conceived of a husband when she bought it. It's pretty and well made, some beautiful embroidery but perhaps old fashioned from the nineties. But that's my era.

She has a lot of clothes from back then but lately it's all navy. She knows that and even jokes about it. Yet she insists on wearing dull clothing. Meanwhile I pull out this dress from our wardrobe and think how pretty it is.


I look good in it but why doesn't she think she does.

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Post  Lesley Niyori on Sun Aug 12, 2018 12:40 am

I don't say it to speak ill of her, but, damn it, it's the truth, my ex-wife never tried to look good, never spent the effort to buy herself nice clothes, never attended to her hair. Nothing.

I am flat out twice as good looking as her. And no one is really going to argue against that position around here.

My wardrobe is probably 10 times hers. My outfits are several times better looking than anything she owns. She wears her clothes to death, the few items she has.

I like to look nice, and she flat out doesn't seem to care about her appearance.
And it wasn't from my not trying to get her to treat herself.

She's cis female, and she can't hold a candle to me.

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Post  MichaelaSJ on Sun Aug 12, 2018 4:17 am

DAMN, now we have two members who can stream consciousness and type 100 words a minute.

Back in my mid-20s I had a managing supervisor invite me to a Warriors basketball game. Afterwards we went to his apartment in San Francisco for some wine. It was a Chilean white wine that was really tasty, especially after a couple of tokes of some good Thai Stick. I then tried to play chess with him, but I got too drunk and stoned to be anything closely human.

I think he was closeted gay (this was 1972) as he was disappointed when I refused to sleep in his bed and instead chose a couch in his living room.

But, getting back to wines. I like the Chilean whites, can't stomach anything from Australia and will pass on a California red for any red or white from Italy or even better, a nice Bordeaux (Mouton Cadet is a favorite along with a Rothschild Medoc [these are not very expensive - $10/bottle wines]).

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Post  mariehart1 on Sun Aug 12, 2018 1:04 pm

Yes sorry Michaela, reading back over the outpouring. I wince a bit. I also see it could do with some judicious editing. I can't type at 100 words a minute but I do type fast. In a previous office job. I was sent to learn to type because my role had become a largely female job. Essentially I was PA to an Engineer. Ironic really.
Anyway time is running out for my girly weekend. I haven't returned to male clothing. I can't bear the thought but it has to happen.

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Post  mariehart1 on Sun Aug 12, 2018 4:43 pm

Can't disagree really, too many hypocrites trying to foist shame on us. I sit here in the house in a pink summer dress and pretty sandals. I can't walk down the street like this for fear of the shame and guilt. Except I don't feel ashamed and guilty for being trans anymore. Maybe even a little bit proud. I think to be trans and survive is something to be proud of. To transition and take your place amongst women deserves a medal.

I do still wince at my writings. I always felt I had something profound to say, my contribution to world. The coming of the internet gave me the chance and I took it. Soon I was regaling all and sundry with my wisdom. I was rapidly disabused. I had nothing to say really, just lightweight chatter. In my profession particulary. I learned I knew nothing. Other writing.....well if you've waded through the inane musings above. You'll know what I mean.
Still it was cathartic.

Anyway I have go. I need to tidy up an annexe room and I'm making it hard for myself by a short dress and sandals.

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Post  MichaelaSJ on Sun Aug 12, 2018 6:46 pm

Marie - no apologies necessary. I said that in good spirit as Celia writes her stream of consciousness in a very easy to read fashion and so do you.

NOT TO WORRY!!

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Post  mariehart1 on Sun Aug 12, 2018 10:56 pm

MichaelaSJ wrote:Marie - no apologies necessary. I said that in good spirit as Celia writes her stream of consciousness in a very easy to read fashion and so do you.

NOT TO WORRY!!
Hah be careful. I think I can hit 100 wpm. Not sure if .my brain can though. Looking back I really did go for it.
But I was in the zone. It can't be a coincidence that it happened this weekend when I was free to be myself. But the negativity is back.

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Post  mariehart1 on Mon Aug 13, 2018 9:12 pm

Angelic wrote:Same here. I don't feel shame for anything really, so of course, I would not feel shame for being trans too.
I mostly do not feel shame at being trans, but fear at other's thoughts and actions concerning my decision to be a woman.
Yes indeed.



The social rewards of being a woman would be reward enough. However, the question is mainly whether or not one can actually become socially accepted as a real woman, and not treated by society like a second-class imitation. My whole life as male I have been treated like second-class, due to both racism and misandry against me. And unless I can fully pass, that will not change. Also it seems that non-racist liberals are the most racist at me and that racist rednecks are the least racist to me. So go figure. Wouldn't be surprised if racist rednecks voted John James into office.
You can be socially accepted as a real woman. I was accepted as a woman by friends when I came out and I wasn't even presenting as female. Not everyone will accept us but if you move in a circle of people who do, you forget. But most importantly you must accept yourself as a real woman. I detect that in many of your comments. You know you're trans but you haven't accepted yourself as a woman. You need to do that, accept yourself as a woman with all the compromises and doubts. I used to say to myself repeatedly 'I wish I was a woman'. Then it dawned on me. I am a woman, a woman will all the compromises that being brought and expected to be male and the overdose of testosterone that screwed us all up.

As for the politics, that's a very American thing. I find it difficult to understand the polarity. I don't see much difference between the Elephants and the Donkeys. They both look conservative and right wing to me. Ignore it, both are irrelevant to you and your life.

Same here. Maybe we are soulmates.
I don't believe in soulmates but I do believe in people who are compatible and people who have common experiences and can relate to each other. Like soldiers in a unit, disparate people with a common goals. A band of brothers or in our case sisters.

From reading your contributions there is a lot of common experiences. Not everything, we each have our own life experiences. You seem to think you're alone in this at times. I've read a few of your posts and in many I see things I recognise but left behind years ago. The whole swirling mass of contradictions and ambiquity and doubts. Been there done that and now have left it behind. The past is the past. The future is yours to have.


Dont' get into conflicts here. We are all on your side if you let us. We're all trans. We have that and maybe you can learn from other who've been through it.

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A weekend as me. Dressed up with nowhere to go!! Empty Re: A weekend as me. Dressed up with nowhere to go!!

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