Idle thoughts, vague ideas and waffle on life and things

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Post  mariehart1 on Sun Sep 09, 2018 3:17 pm

Lately, actually not lately more like forever thoughts and ideas swirl around in my head. I end up having conversations in my mind with people who aren't there. No, I'm not hearing voices in my head but more like I'm rehearsing conversations I might have if I could actually talk to someone in reality. But of course it never happens because there is no one I can talk to about being transgender. Then I thought maybe I could just write it down. Get it out there.

I'm not looking for replies or help but of course you are welcome to. This is mainly a vent for me but by all means add your story and your feelings.

The problem with being trans and not transitioning being still mostly in the closet is that it's oppressive. I wake with it every day. It follows me around all day with varying degrees of dysphoria. I've sometimes thought I should just give up being trans, make a go of it as a man. That's impossible of course because I'm not a man in any real way. I tried to be a man for years. It didn't work out very well and in truth since I fully accepted who I am. I have been, not happy but happier.

My basic story is that I'm married with two children. My wife works and I stay at home. Indeed I am a housewife. Which does please me I have to say. It's not easy though as any housewife will tell you. There's always something to do. In fact, as I sit here I feel I ought to be doing something. I can see a lot of dust on the TV table. Where's my duster?

But it's one of life's ironies that I'm trans and ended up like my Mother and sisters. So while I wish I was a woman. I have in fact taken on a traditional female role. In fact while the househusband is more common these days then ever. The truth is that many men chafe at the idea of it and resist it. But I fully embraced it. I even find myself using many of my late Mother's sayings on the kids.


So I live the life of a woman. I even get to meet up with a woman friend for long walks, chats and coffee. If only that was enough. But the demon dysphoria always kicks in. I want to relate to people as a woman have them recognise me as one. I like my life right now and it would be near perfect if I was also presenting as a woman all the time. That's my fantasy.


Like many of us I resisted my truth for many years, denied it, suppressed it. I crossdressed as I saw it for many years and frankly I passed quite easily when I was younger even if I never appreciated it at the time. I still do really in truth. I did try to master the male thing but really I was a rather effete person. I have pictures of myself in my army reserve uniform hefting a rifle thinking I looked macho but I didn't. Another of me in my No1 dress uniform looking very effeminate beside the guy with me. I realise now that many people thought I was gay, which is half right being bi. But in retrospect it was far more  obvious than I believed. When I finally came out to a work friend he pointed out that everyone on my shift assumed I was a closeted gay. He himself described me as the nearest thing to a woman and still pee standing up. Well I don't stand up any more. An illustrative story, I was out in the woods with the family not long ago and it was neccessary to do some watering. I went behind a bush and did the neccessary and as I was walking away I suddenly realised something. I had squatted down instinctively.


In truth it was no surprise because at this point I have not only accepted that I'm trans, that happened way back in the early 2000s but also have fully embraced that I'm a woman inside. That sounds like the same thing but it isn't. I took me a long time to get to that point. I used to say 'I wish I was a woman' but not anymore. I see myself as a woman, in fact I cannot conceive of being a man and it's got to the stage that men are 'other' and women are us. I almost find that I'm more attracted to men than ever which seems contradictory.


But I'm not transitioning. I try to blur things though, for example I haven't worn male underwear for a long time. I hate them, it feels wrong. But I like the look of them on sexy man. I dress up as often as possible and wear subtle make quite a lot. I also have a skin care regime and shave off my thankfully limited body hair regularly. It all helps. In any case if I say I want to be a woman. I really should take on all of the onerous routines women tend to follow. But at least they don't have to shave their face. Also I note lately I've been more relaxed about appearing a bit effeminate. In the past I was quite guarded and maintained a front. But not now. I'm quite happy to say things like 'Isn't that lovely?' 'That's so pretty' and talk about clothes in a relaxed way. It all helps a bit, now if only I could make the next step.


It's a funny thing but many of things I had a long term interest in, not least my stalled career have faded away since I accepted myself. I can see now that they were distractions part of the male facade.


So there are my thoughts for today. If you got this far, congratulations. But for me it's cathartic.


Marie H

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Post  MichaelaSJ on Sun Sep 09, 2018 9:52 pm

mariehart1 wrote:But for me it's cathartic.
Marie H
Catharsis is usually meant to bring tears, an unleashing of pent up whatever - I saw none dripping from the page.

I saw acceptance - of both yourself and your life's situation and limitations. Not many of us reach that awareness. I think I have and it appears you have also.

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If you don't want a man unhappy politically, don't give him two sides to a question to worry him; give him one. Better yet, give him none. Let him forget there is such a thing as war. If the Government is inefficient, top-heavy, and tax-mad, better it is all those than that people worry over it. Peace, Montag.
Fahrenheit 451
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Post  Celia Eriksson on Sun Sep 09, 2018 11:14 pm

Hi Marie and Michaela!!!!

That was a very nice post Marie, well written as always, and I think you know yourself very, very well! Do I know myself well? Oh, I think so, coz I always know what I want and what I want to happen next. It's just that the happening next bit is a whole different thing, sometimes it seems that only fate can tell what kind of thingys might actually happen to me.. or not! I steer myself towards my goals, but fate is quite fickle fingered and sometimes it goes the complete opposite direction to what I want to actually happen, even if mostly I get my way, except some things. I guess I am a bit deep and meainingful sometimes too as well, coz I don't let it get to me when things don't go my way.

So I learned a new meaning to a word today, I did not know what that kinda Carthartic meant, (not the laxative meaning of course!), wow that's deep, tears and releasing of inner self bad aura. Does it also mean acceptance is the thing? Purgation' was a wiki answer, I don't understand that wiki answer either? What is purgation??? I 'aint silly but I don't know, I aint chasing words around coz that'll change the original meaning too much, but I do know purgatory is a bad thing, for I have heard other people say with negative vibes, like 'this night shift is sheer purgatory!' i.e. a bad thing.

Celia xx

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Post  MichaelaSJ on Mon Sep 10, 2018 5:05 am

Purgation - the spiritual cleansing of your soul in purgatory, a concept that some churches (namely the catholics) use to keep their flock in line. If your soul can't be pure and make heaven on your first try, then we'll send you to a place between heaven and hell called purgatory.

Your soul will spend THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of years in purgatory while you work off whatever you did against god so you can get into heaven. Not quite as bad as hell, but also not heaven.

The catholic church would sell indulgences for actual money to lessen your time in purgatory.
An indulgence, according to the Roman Catholic Church, is a means of remission of the temporal punishment for sins which have already been forgiven but are due to the Christian in this life and/or in purgatory.

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If you don't want a man unhappy politically, don't give him two sides to a question to worry him; give him one. Better yet, give him none. Let him forget there is such a thing as war. If the Government is inefficient, top-heavy, and tax-mad, better it is all those than that people worry over it. Peace, Montag.
Fahrenheit 451
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Post  mariehart1 on Mon Sep 10, 2018 2:07 pm

Being brought up Catholic, purgatory was a thing to fear. Telling lies and stealing sweets could earn you a stint there. But of course you could always go to confession and get off with a fine in the form of a penance which usually was something like having to say a couple of Hail Marys. I made my first confession when I was six. The problem at the age is you really don't have any sins. But I had to say something so I told the priest I was cheeky to my parents, which I never was. So I started off with a lie but luckily my next confession was that I told lies so I think I got away with it.

I always think that purgatory wasn't so much hell as having to camp outside the pearly gates listening to the party inside without being able to join in. That's purgatory. I think I've been there a few times. Indeed perhaps I'm in purgatory now. Perhaps my penance is to end up back on Earth as a man when I really have a female soul.


Thanks for the kind comments, Celia and Michaela. Yes I do think I have reached acceptance on one level. It would be great now if others could too. My wife has shown signs of it. She's being saying nice things about me of late, not that she ever really said bad things. Maybe she appreciates have a spouse who can cross the lines when neccessary.


Anyway in other news I had a bit of luck on the lottery today. Won some money. I had bought a ticket for the main lottery but only won a ticket to what is called a millionaire draw. I joked with the handsome young man behind the counter that all I win on the lottery is more lottery tickets. Well this time I won €100. But the weird thing is that I had a funny feeling I had won something before I checked the ticket. As I drove the kids to school I was thinking that a million would be useful but you couldn't really give up work for good with it. All I could think about on the way home was the ticket. So I wasn't the least surprised about it. A but of psychic stuff going on Laughing

Celia mentions fate, yes indeed with a couple of more numbers my fate would be quite different. I got five numbers out of six on the lottery once. That is perilously close to life changing money. But I don't believe in fate as such. I do believe to some extent in destiny. I think you can't avoid your destiny, not that it's pre determined. A lot of life is random. But it's hard to avoid your own destiny. Like trying not to be a woman. Inevitably you can't make it go away. I tried very hard for a career for which I was not suited too.

Well I'm not good at painting either but that's what I was doing this morning, house painting not art. Painting the bedroom, grey is the in colour this year and I'm nicely coated in it now. But the bedroom is done. I had once of those protective suits but it tore and anyway it let paint through. My friend Mary told me that a well known author, once said that the only thing she wore when painting was her knickers on her head. lol! Well I kept mine on to protect my modesty but shed the rest. It's quite liberating. No need to ruin my clothes.


Anyway afterwards I put on a nice dress and am sitting here feeling pleased with myself albeit with a couple of light grey toenails and knees and fingers.

Have to go and collect the kids now. Time to shed the dress.




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Post  Lesley Niyori on Mon Sep 10, 2018 2:44 pm

"The Catholic church would sell indulgences for actual money to lessen your time in purgatory."

Obvious conclusion moment here Smile

Purgatory is hardly likely to be a real place. But, it works wonders for profitably controlling people sold on the idea they were born into sin and vulnerable to the worship of guilt Smile

It sounds like you are living as a woman sans the clothing and the surgery Smile

Transition isn't just about wearing women's attire and a vagina of course.

I'm rapidly heading for a marriage I soooo never expected Smile To another transgender female.
She seeks the surgery as much as I did, but, I've let her know, her essentially mostly non functioning penis is ok in my life. I'm ok with whatever makes her happy. I'm of course biased Smile I think she'll be happy with a vagina.

I sooo thought I was supposed to find a hetero male though hehe.

Aim for the big prize dear, but, be open to finding out you might get something you never suspected you'd want too.

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Post  mariehart1 on Mon Sep 10, 2018 4:02 pm

To be fair paying for an indulgence probably ended hundreds of years ago. But the practice of acquiring money from mugs hasn't gone away. Wasn't there a preacher recently who asked for for money to buy a new private jet? Could it get more blatant than that?

Yes I am living as a de facto woman at least in the traditional sense. But I'll never be comfortable until I have a vagina.

It's great you found someone, Lesley. Right out of left field too. I always say it's all about the person not the sex. I'd love to have a man but I would be satisfied with a celibate life with my wife if I was accepted as a woman.

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Post  mariehart1 on Wed Nov 14, 2018 11:54 pm

Oops


Last edited by mariehart1 on Mon Dec 31, 2018 12:26 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Post  MichaelaSJ on Thu Nov 15, 2018 6:34 am

mariehart1 wrote:Wasn't there a preacher recently who asked for for money to buy a new private jet? Could it get more blatant than that?
A televangelist wants his followers to pay for a $54 million private jet. It’s his fourth plane.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/acts-of-faith/wp/2018/05/29/a-televangelist-wants-his-followers-to-pay-for-a-54-million-private-jet-its-his-fourth-plane/?utm_term=.b5cb36e3fc12

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If you don't want a man unhappy politically, don't give him two sides to a question to worry him; give him one. Better yet, give him none. Let him forget there is such a thing as war. If the Government is inefficient, top-heavy, and tax-mad, better it is all those than that people worry over it. Peace, Montag.
Fahrenheit 451
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Post  Lesley Niyori on Thu Nov 15, 2018 11:36 am

MichaelaSJ wrote:
mariehart1 wrote:Wasn't there a preacher recently who asked for for money to buy a new private jet? Could it get more blatant than that?
A televangelist wants his followers to pay for a $54 million private jet. It’s his fourth plane.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/acts-of-faith/wp/2018/05/29/a-televangelist-wants-his-followers-to-pay-for-a-54-million-private-jet-its-his-fourth-plane/?utm_term=.b5cb36e3fc12

I remember this item.

It's scum like this guy that make me utter these two comments.

Christians are often as dumb as rocks.
Religion is often more corrupt than politics.

It's why I have so little problem using my largest paintbrush when dealing with American Right Wing Christians.

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