The voice in your head

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The voice in your head Empty The voice in your head

Post  Lesley Niyori on Mon May 21, 2018 2:18 pm

This isn't about voice training.

One of the things I frequently experience is the 'static' (can't think of a better word right now), that results from I suppose too many years of conditioning. After a while, if you do something often enough, or think something long enough, it's hard to either stop doing it or disbelieve it.

In my case, it's often gender-specific terms.

I'm not doubting myself (well that's what I tell myself), but, it seems my ears are simply unwilling to convert over.

If I say (in my head), "you go girl" I can't stop reacting with a smile and "I'm the girl" as an inherent reaction. Because I simply spent so many years stuck in a bullshit lie. Here I sit, I have breasts, I have a vagina (not the normal model but so what, I do NOT have a penis and testicles), and yet, there's always that annoying disconnect every time I paste a female label on myself.

It's like I'm a non-stick surface dang it.

When I think about my husband Frank, it's like "oh I have a husband", which makes me a 'wife', and that is just so novel sounding. But I spent 27 years with the label husband myself. I've also been a best man, never a bridesmaid though. I haven't been to a bachelorette party, but I have been to a bachelor party.

I haven't genuinely been a girlfriend, but, for a time I felt like one, and the entire time, well just thinking of myself as a 'girlfriend' was peculiar.

That dumb ass voice in my head, it just seems to be totally unwilling to get with the program.
"Hello, this is the rest of Lesley speaking, when were you planning to get with the program?"

It's irritating, it's like I'm being constantly questioned by my own inner voice. It's like those disapproving glances we get from people that don't believe us. "Time for bed young lady, what? I'm a girl, why is it so hard for you to accept that phrase?"

Arrrrrgggghhhh!

And then there are the eyes. Not sure if anyone else can relate to this one. When looking at the world, does it look like you are looking through his eyes or your eyes? I mean, when I see my reflection I see me, but when I can't see me, it's like suddenly I disappear and I wonder, are they seeing him? So it's like I have to constantly see myself to feel like I'm me.

No matter how often I tell myself, "I've been a girl since I was born", I still have this idiot in my head seemingly going "lalalal can't hear you, Lesley". I so wish he would shut up.

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The voice in your head Empty Re: The voice in your head

Post  Guest on Mon May 21, 2018 2:29 pm

I also suffer from it. Decades of programming is hard to erase.

I don't even skip a beat all that often when I'm misgendered.

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Post  Tara on Tue May 22, 2018 12:34 am

I understand. I get properly gendered by strangers about 99% of the time now. Security guards check my ID with my masculine dead name, and still address me as "ma'am". When I see myself in the mirror, I can't help but smile. And yet, I constantly doubt myself.

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"Believe nothing you hear, and only one half that you see." — Edgar A. Poe
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Post  Lesley Niyori on Tue May 22, 2018 10:59 am

Yeah, I get mam, I get treated as a woman, I even get men 'checking me out' in that way men do Smile

But I suppose 'doubt' is like a scar that never fades.

I suppose I could be lying on my back legs splayed getting solidly fucked by a nice looking man, and STILL have some smidgen of friggin doubt in my mind.
Well, I'll never know THAT for certain of course. My husband would object to that Smile

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Post  Abby on Thu Jun 21, 2018 9:18 pm

For me the static and background noise, seems to drop since starting estrogen, and droped again when the dose was increased. The little voice is more of the male filter I built up to cope over the years, not that I tried being masculine it more to stop me expressing telling me off etc. Still shouting every so but "he"or more it is fading and the more free I am. I do worry though, as I am getting more confident I will make larger mistakes. I never thought I would apply to go on a female only manament training course, here I am waiting to see if I am accepted. (It's more that they will be terfs present)

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Post  Lesley Niyori on Fri Jun 22, 2018 2:24 am

TERFs, nothing like TERFs to suck all the thrill out of being a woman.

There is only one thing that angers me more than jerk Christians, and that's TERFs.

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