Spreading one's wings

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Post  CarolynAH on Fri Mar 22, 2019 4:36 am

Okay, I am a introvert, I am easily overstimulated, and most often the one at a party sitting in the back in a quiet place.

But my break up has me trying new things. So two weeks ago I went into one of the largest queer clubs in Seattle "to test the waters". Mind you the last time I was in any sort of club was as a teenager and had to exit or have a panic attack. I went late so things were dying down. But the dance floor was packed with young queer club kids dancing an having fun. I don't really know anything about alcohol and didn't care to be at the bars for long. It was fun if a bit too much for my light and sound sensitivity at times. But I stayed for about an hour and did far better than I expected.

I don't think I will do much if any make up next time. And let my tomboy out a bit more if I return with friends. Or perhaps crawl bars and cafes... I don't know yet. I am not sure what happened to me but I am pretty close to done with hiding.

That said, I also got some free mall facial which was obviously a ploy to sell product. They also offered to do my makeup... Goodness I hated that. The Mac people do a nice job but this girl was meh and used way too much foundation. And no thanks on the colors.
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Post  Lesley Niyori on Fri Mar 22, 2019 10:43 am

I have some NB friends who are also introverts that work from home.

Myself, I'm something of an outrageous extrovert. So let me know if I'm getting too loud and bold for you.

I can only suggest, if you are going out, go with someone you know who can help you deal with too much direct contact perhaps. It might help you deal with escaping if it becomes necessary.

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Post  CarolynAH on Fri Mar 22, 2019 7:32 pm

Yes, I plan to go out with a gay transguy friend that I am close to. Though if I am honest I would prefer my bi neighbor. But that would be dangerous for me as I would actually want her as more than friends.

I am not trying to overcome my introversion. That isn't possible. But to chip away at my social anxieties and figure out the social rules in play so that I am not as overwhelmed as quickly. I really don't know anything about actual dating or understanding people's flirting behaviors. So I am trying to experience it to be less blind to it.

Sometimes I detach from a group encounter and enjoy watching extroverts engage with a group of others. It can seem like a bird of paradise suddenly exploding with color.
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Post  MichaelaSJ on Fri Mar 22, 2019 9:40 pm

I fully understand introversion and the pain it can cause.

Prior to my sexual assault, I was an AA++ personality and definitely an extrovert. If, anything, it caused me a lot of problems as I was almost without inhibition.

Afterward, I went totally inward. I got in with the wrong crowds and also got into a bunch of trouble.

When I joined the Navy I was able to somewhat find a balance between being an intro and extrovert but the Miki started to emerge and I slipped back into being an introvert.

Additionally, shipboard life, especially when your berthing space in under a steam catapult does nothing for hearing. I have lost as much as half my hearing and when I am in a crowd, I am effectively deaf to any conversation. I shy away from crowds of more than 3 or 4 individuals because that is the most I can handle. I need to be able to see someone's face in order to understand what they are saying.

BUT, and it is a big but - when I am with my girlfriends, the real Miki comes out and I no longer shy away from the group. My friends are mine and I am theirs and I feel at home, unafraid of whatever.

I wish I had not been an introvert for most of my adult life. Crying or Very sad

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If you don't want a man unhappy politically, don't give him two sides to a question to worry him; give him one. Better yet, give him none. Let him forget there is such a thing as war. If the Government is inefficient, top-heavy, and tax-mad, better it is all those than that people worry over it. Peace, Montag.
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Post  CarolynAH on Sat Mar 23, 2019 4:28 am

Please don't take this the wrong way. But I have been an introvert my entire life. I don't consider it a disability as my empathy and sensitive nature means I tend to have fewer but deeper connections and tend to draw people out. But the cost is I get worn out by too much and don't get energy from lots of attention. And my empathy for Liam meant that I felt his social anxiety almost directly. And this visit was about seeing how much of that is me. Transitioning and opening up has given me emotional strength as well as feeling myself slowly becoming more aligned.

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Post  CarolynAH on Mon Mar 25, 2019 12:32 am

So, going out in queer friendly spaces...

Queer bar mostly filled with gay men and lesbian couples on Friday night... I don't understand why people drink alcohol it's nasty even all sugared up and I don't feel anything that makes the drink any more attractive after drinking half a glass of a tumbler sized mixed drink. Though my gay transguy friend had some fun. I was bored most of the time and the karaoke was cringe inducing. But I did it... Note to self if I ever go again go with girls.

Went back to the queer nightclub with the same friend Saturday. Actively danced with him and two young queer people on a trip for about four hours. I was so active that drinking a full days worth of water and a red bull in those four hours I never needed to use the ladies room. Though goodness my feet were sore and it every muscle from my stomach down aches and feels like jelly. Goodness I enjoyed dancing with that girl though I had no idea what I was doing but again hanging with my friend got us marked as a couple.

The one negative of the night was some straight guy out of the blue without any notice came up to me and started getting all up on me. I am like mildly panicked and trying to back away but he is still at it. So my friend pull on him and asks him to stop.saying she is shy the man spits on my friend and rushes off.

It was a good evening and I recovered. But it bothers me still. I need to learn to defend myself better. I am nearly six foot five inches tall and need to use that when men are overstepping even if I am not strong anymore.

The dancing was fun, meeting new people and being gendered correctly and liked without thought by strangers was really nice.
Damn I hate those nightclub lights I needed to stop several times to not shut down even in our quieter back corner of the dance floor.
WTF does a straight guy think is going to happen in a queer club. You can't make me or any other queer girl straight... And like hell I want anyone to intentionally touch me like that without explicit permission especially men.


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Post  MichaelaSJ on Mon Mar 25, 2019 3:16 am

CarolynAH wrote:The one negative of the night was some straight guy out of the blue without any notice came up to me and started getting all up on me. I am like mildly panicked and trying to back away but he is still at it. So my friend pull on him and asks him to stop.saying she is shy the man spits on my friend and rushes off.
I often wonder why any woman (cis or otherwise) would ever go to a bar alone.

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If you don't want a man unhappy politically, don't give him two sides to a question to worry him; give him one. Better yet, give him none. Let him forget there is such a thing as war. If the Government is inefficient, top-heavy, and tax-mad, better it is all those than that people worry over it. Peace, Montag.
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Post  CarolynAH on Mon Mar 25, 2019 6:13 am

I don't know why any woman would. I admit I have a part of me that thinks my size and less feminine look would make me not a target. But this visit made that idea ever harder to maintain.
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Post  CarolynAH on Wed Apr 10, 2019 6:31 am

Welp I enjoyed a nice conversation with a girlfriend after I returned a dress I borrowed from her. And then went on my own to a lesbian bar near her and has a seltzer water and lemon while I worked on a poem I have been struggling with. The change of venue helped and everyone left me alone. I didn't go to socialize as much as chip away at my fears of places like that. I think I will return when I can spend more time and it's busier. I am not trying to hook up... But learn how social behavior works in these places. And maybe become more confident.

And in case anyone has any illusions about what sort of idiot I am. Here.
https://youtu.be/8nEOIOWhetE
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Post  Lesley Niyori on Wed Apr 10, 2019 12:47 pm

Enjoyed the video Carolyn Smile

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Post  MichaelaSJ on Wed Apr 10, 2019 6:26 pm

CarolynAH wrote:And then went on my own to a lesbian bar near her...
In San Francisco, walking into the wrong lesbian bar can be physically discomforting to your self.

While San Francisco may be the center of pro-LGBT sentiment, it is really a LGB...T  town. The gay males mostly don't want us, and some lesbians appear as TERFs and if you wander into their turf, watch out.


Last edited by MichaelaSJ on Wed Apr 10, 2019 7:27 pm; edited 1 time in total

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If you don't want a man unhappy politically, don't give him two sides to a question to worry him; give him one. Better yet, give him none. Let him forget there is such a thing as war. If the Government is inefficient, top-heavy, and tax-mad, better it is all those than that people worry over it. Peace, Montag.
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Post  CarolynAH on Wed Apr 10, 2019 6:37 pm

Lesley Niyori wrote:Enjoyed the video Carolyn Smile

Thanks I think, I still don't know exactly what I wanted or even why I did that. I think I am trying to get outside myself and understand better how I look and sound when talking. I have some speech quirks from my childhood and honestly have not been as mindful with my voice as I should be. I have lately been feeling like I should reengage a voice therapist. As well as find some ways to improve my range and power without loosing control so I can be more confident. I mean how I am today versus how I was is truly stark.. but I find friends are too eager to be dismissive of any concerns. Which to me isn't terribly helpful. I also have a introvert habit of living too much in my own head and don't always have full self awareness. Like when I am in a good mood and listening to music in my earbuds I dance a little in public or move with a younger more playful step. Sometimes I think I need to wear heels more often just to retrain my gate to default to that sort of practiced care. Though goodness I am so uncomfortably tall in them.

Not to make anyone uncomfortable here but whenever I get dragged into one of the many support groups around here which tend to be larger than I am comfortable with. I will occasionally bump into a older girl just starting out and get pumped for conversation. I don't like to judge but oh goodness the idea that I ever moved, or acted like some do triggers the hell out of my own insecurities. (I actually do love to talk and help in person if I can but wow it can be draining and uncomfortable.)

The nuance I am trying to get my head around is this friendly mask so many women manage and modulate so well. As well as trying overcome my habit of being too submissive and grateful especially with other women. As I feel like while it might help in some situations it also I think can be too much or make it easier for a person to treat me as not worthy of respect. It truly is I feel one of the most screwed up things about being a transgender woman. Too soft and people crush you, too feminine in some ways and suddenly you are a mockery, too assertive and you are a man in a dress. And there is always someone just waiting to use use any of it against you.

I think another reason I feel this sudden need to get out is I don't have enough female friends in my life and now that I don't have a partner to distract me the drive is hard to resist. I don't think bars are the answer for me but I also need to stop being so afraid of them.

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Post  CarolynAH on Wed Apr 10, 2019 8:23 pm

MichaelaSJ wrote:
CarolynAH wrote:And then went on my own to a lesbian bar near her...
In San Francisco, walking into the wrong lesbian bar can be physically discomforting to your self.

While San Francisco may be the center of por-LGBT sentiment, it is really a LGB...T  town. The gay males mostly don't want us, and some lesbians appear as TERFs and if you wander into their turf, watch out.

Believe me I worried about that. It's one of the biggest things keeping me from engaging with lesbians my age. One of my close friends with who I am at odds right now is trans-masc and has said he was rad-fem before he came out. And now claims to be "better" what set me off was him in a less filtered emotional state throwing some of that you will never know what it is like... As he took the I am the real feminist here stance to shut down any discussion about something we were talking about. And him being a therapist means he will use those skills to try and get me to capitulate and let him into my life again. Yes, he had a far worse time growing up than me... Congratulations he wins every time at misery Olympics. But I am just bone tired of the drama I have to process and dance around with him. I am tired of being told or judged like I am a child. Or being used by him to avoid hard things he is having trouble facing. He's a sex addict... And some times I feel like he uses me so he can go out into social situations feel temptation but hides behind me when it starts to become too much and he might loose his sobriety. Because only the truly desperate or weird are interested in me.

So yeah... I am familiar... Most of the lesbian and bi girls I have met so far are okay... And the ones that are more iffy just keep their distance. Usually if they are butch I get a little of their dislike for the performative nature of feminine dress when we enter that conversation space. You know that whole I am above that crap thing. Whatever... The funny thing is part of me agrees... Though I feel like I still have to do even the little that I do do to have any acceptance. I like being femme and as sexy as I can be on some rare and frisky days but to be honest it is tiring. But if I had a ultimate goal for my transition it would be to be seen as a feminine person no matter what I wear or don't wear and not necessarily beautiful or attractive. Just another girl. I would love to know that I could shave all my hair off and still be ma'amed or wear a business suit and nobody see.me as not feminine. I am not butch but I understand them and in some ways envious of that freedom.

Thus far gay men are friendly to me and I have talked to many. But it's a sort of invisible to each other thing. Unless they are all dressed up in a drag persona. And then it's some weird girl performance thing I am silently like please don't drag me into this...

But I am learning the ropes... I screw up... I know I will always be seen a transgender woman and not a "real woman". But I figure if I can find a comfortable space to live and good people to be with who cares about the rest. I never cared for the male dick measuring contests and I will happily not engage in girl hierarchy games so long as I can pee, eat, and shop in peace
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Post  MichaelaSJ on Thu Apr 11, 2019 12:40 am

Don't let yourself get dragged down into someone else's hole. Discover the strength of Carolyn and let that guide you.

Keep on being yourself and eventually, you will find that one place in your soul that says 'I am me' Exclamation

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If you don't want a man unhappy politically, don't give him two sides to a question to worry him; give him one. Better yet, give him none. Let him forget there is such a thing as war. If the Government is inefficient, top-heavy, and tax-mad, better it is all those than that people worry over it. Peace, Montag.
Fahrenheit 451
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Post  mariehart1 on Thu Apr 11, 2019 11:20 am

The nuance I am trying to get my head around is this friendly mask so many women manage and modulate so well. As well as trying overcome my habit of being too submissive and grateful especially with other women. As I feel like while it might help in some situations it also I think can be too much or make it easier for a person to treat me as not worthy of respect. It truly is I feel one of the most screwed up things about being a transgender woman.

Too soft and people crush you, too feminine in some ways and suddenly you are a mockery, too assertive and you are a man in a dress. And there is always someone just waiting to use use any of it against you.
That's interesting because essentially despite the fact that I'm not transitioning I have long perfected that friendly mask and in my relationships with people that is the norm with me. Indeed even when I was maintaining the male façade that was still my personality. A people pleaser. I've come to think of it as something inherent rather than learned. I've bolded the end of the quote because in fact I think that in fact true of most women. If anything it proves you've been accepted as a woman because you're treated as one.

An example would be a trans academic actually here in this city who realised that while her colleagues accepted the transition she also found they accepted it to the point where she was no longer taken as seriously as before. I also believe that even other women take women less seriously than men. I know in my mind one of the things that held me back from self acceptance was the idea that I couldn't be competent as I am if I was really a woman. Even though this flies in the face of that fact that I'm surrounded by highly competent, intelligent and capable women.


As for your nightclub adventures. Well I went through a similar adventure but as a supposed straight male with younger male friends who essentially adopted me. My last attempt at playing out the male role. I too am an introvert which was never helped by being trans. It didn't work and only really stripped the final illusion of maleness. I also believe that my young male friends one as young as 19 saw me as something of a benign Father figure because I listened to the their issues. You cannot change who you are. You weren't the man you pretended to be. But I think you have to accept the flawed person you actually are. If it's that of a typical woman then so be it. Embrace it but be aware of it's risks.


You wondered what a straight man was doing in a gay nightclub? Well he was looking for a 'shemale'. I have some experience of straight men, in fact most men I have been with are essentially straight in their own minds but want a woman with a bit extra even though quite often they have no interest in seeing it. No I don't get it either!

You know I wouldn't over think the whole thing if I were you. Just be yourself. I eventually released myself from trying to find some gender stereotype to fit into. That came long after I accepted I was transgender. I used to say to myself 'I wish I was a woman'. But I stopped when I realised actually I am a woman. A transgender woman brought up and seen as a man yet a woman behind it all. I am a woman, women like the things I like and behave the way I behave and think the way I think.


Just accept yourself rather than trying to find a way of fitting in with the false perceptions of what it is to be a man or woman.


I think what you need is not so much a LGBT friends but perhaps a cis women as a friend. Someone who sees you just a woman. I'm lucky to have a couple of friends like that. Indeed I have no LGBT friends or even acquaintances and indeed they may see me as physically male but I don't relate to them as a man. I don't even try.


So maybe if you are a sometime introvert who tends to defer to others and is a people pleaser then maybe that's who you are?


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Post  Lesley Niyori on Thu Apr 11, 2019 12:56 pm

"One of my close friends with who I am at odds right now is trans-masc"

A lot of content in the comments, but mention this to show what inspired this post.

I have a local buddy, a close friend, who is transgender male, but, has also been a few other shades of themselves while searching for who they are (no rule saying you have to get it right the first try).

Being afab has meant certain realities for him.
He was once a very cute she looking person once (damn some of his before pictures were of a very hot looking younger woman).
He was once married as a supposed female person (before he found himself).
He has given birth and has a 6-year-old daughter, so it wasn't so long ago (he's 37).
Was married for 20 years to a guy (amab persons tend to be the only source of sperm on our planet), who seems kinda femme.

My friend Nate has gone through the thought he was lesbian stage of finding himself.
He sure has no trouble with sex with females. Including transgender females.
Currently seems to be pursuing males (might be bisexual, might be polysexual, not sure even he knows).

But I've seen him trying to figure himself out. He seems to be dom.
Not easy being a dom when you don't have the parts to be a top.
Especially for transgender men.
Because being a dom male is a lot simpler with amab parts.
That's me saying it, because I believe it, but I don't have facts to support it.

He's showing the classic signs of transgender male, first few months of T hormone therapy, in the way only a transgender man can experience them.
He really hates having breasts, which are sure bigger than mine are.
And he's experiencing year one sex drive (I kinda recall being massively horny the first while, even though I was unable to get any).
And, he's becoming a bit of an asshole (y'all might not like this observation, but, men tend to be assholes to an extent, the same way new transgender females tend to become weapy moody cattle in the beginning).

I think rad femme in a transgender man born afab is capable of being manifested just because they are learning to be men, which in my opinion describes the average rad femme cisgender lesbian to a point. Because the average TERF to me is mostly male persona trapped in an afab body whether they like the notion or not. Because to me, TERFs are fucking assholes.

The main difference between a TERF and an afab transgender man, in my opinion, is one is unaware they are in the wrong body and one realizes it. They are both also likely unaware they are being assholes.

Your friend appears to be learning the ropes where being a man is concerned.
Might not be aware of it.
I've watched this happening before with newly aware transgender males and females new to hormone therapy.
I'm currently watching my fiance navigate the chaos of hormone therapy through her first year.
It's funny to watch, as I can see my first year happening to her.
Sadly, I had no experienced transgender female to witness my first year. I had to go through it solo.
I've watched a few guys demonstrate the difference between veteran transgender man, and new to it transgender man.
And it's interesting to see the differences between gay men and transgender men. And there ARE differences. Because no gay man has ever had to cope with a menstrual cycle or being dismissed as being a 'weird woman'.

If a person is truly transgender, they really need a transgender person like them (ie both transgender male), to give them advice and guidance. And it also helps if they have transgender females to help them learn certain aspects of the gender differences. Because it helps if a guy learns to be masculine, with someone who is feminine, and also can relate to the wrong body situation as well.
Because no amab is ever going to know what full-on menstruation is like. But no afab is ever going to know what it is like to be denied an afab experience as well. It hurts, regularly, that I can't and never could have a baby. It's a mental pain that has no cure. And it is likely that transgender men despise being dismissed as 'weird women'.

I have several friends who are part of the LGB, but have no idea what it is like here in the T portion. And they simply can't know. I on the other hand, no what the LGB portion feels like.
I have wondered if I was Lesbian, or Gay, or Bi during my transition. I've come to learn, thanks to my being with my fiance D'arcy, that I'm a demisexual. I'm not Bi, because while I can be with a woman, I don't really like woman, and while I can lust after men as seemingly hetero, I don't really want to really be with one enough to take it all the way (I always chicken out, or they just inherently scare me when it gets sexual). But, for the right person (in this case D'arcy), I seem willing and able to do anything sexual. For me, it's all about the person inside the body, and not their body. D'arcy is still pre-op, and her still male parts are fun to play with and enjoy in a quasi hetero fashion. But I'm looking forward to some great lesbian sex when she's post-op. It's all because it's D'arcy I'm having sex with. The parts are just parts to me.

I think being introverted, just means your journey might take a deal longer to experience what I have experienced. It might just mean your search options and results are forced to deal with fewer moments spread out over more time.
Me, I'm quite the extrovert, so I've been put in a lot of situations, a great deal faster.
D'arcy has a mix of friends who are also extroverted and introverted. So I've seen the effects.
And hanging out with several poly amourous types sure shows you a lot of stuff real qick too.

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Post  CarolynAH on Thu Apr 11, 2019 7:44 pm

To be clear, I know deep down how my brain works in so many ways is very female. And that while my socialization for my first 46 years was not like cis gendered women my intereral and external social experience is wholly unlike any cis gendered man's. So out of respect for AFAB people and some of the very impactful and not always welcome aspects of their lives that I either missed out on because of my late transition or will never have because of the limits of medical transition. I prefer to say I had a fairly classic trans-feminine experience and reject notions that I am a man in any normal sense. And take great offense when TERF like arguments are used in denial of my experience, my personal struggles, or the reduction of womanhood to a narrow collection of misery.

As to my mannerisms, quirks, and social skills. I won't say I am a "pleaser" as much as a classic INFJ style conflict avoiding person. But I also have limits and struggles that I am trying to test and understand them better so I can be a better person. It's odd because of how I have learned over the years to come with some of them makes it harder to be sure the true source. So I often have to dig in my past. Like if you put my issues next to those of women with Asperger's it's a match for so many and add my ADD diagnosed to that and it aligns even better. But I hate it, and am a bit scared to accept it. As it might mean I will always struggle. But yes having time with and support from more cis-gendered women as a peer no matter is not just something I crave but also need to grow.

As to HRT and.emotion... that is a morras I think is nearly impossible to separate placebo effects, social and cultural pressures, and what they are really doing to us. I will agree that in the first year if you are a fairly static binary transgender person getting on the right hormones and levels is like someone turning a lightbulb on in your life for the first time. But as you normalize to it the intensity of it fades a bit. Like right now i can't quite tell the root cause of some of my emotional and cognitive issues before, during, and after my surgery. Like you could make a good case that the emotional blow out with my friend was exacerbated by what the big hormonal swing I am going through. (I get my estrogen from injections and that is a Depot that they make you deplete before surgery and takes time to rebuild after so I suspect I am swinging far lower than I am used to.) And yesterday a day after my second post-op injection I was far more focused, positive, and feel less like I want to scream at him. But it could just as likely be me cooling off.

As to inherent aspects of us that align closely with our experienced gender rather than our assigned. Yes, I think there is truth to it. I know babies and nurturing was a really intense thing for me, that I did my best to avoid when I learned how starkly it made me stand out from the boys and men around me. And before, during and after my son was born I had to deal with some really weird issues that made what I am really hard to ignore or deny. So yes, oh goodness yes... If someone told child me there was a way to become just like every other girl you would have seen a face of joy and excitement that wouldn't fade no matter how much you tried to warn me it wasn't going to be easy or without pain or risk. Not that child me could truly understand any of that stuff. Though adult me now can see how some of what makes me me would be at greater personal risk as a child and would in my teens have still struggled mightily with social skills, getting overwhelmed, and likely be that "weird nerd girl". But who knows... Parents can be very different with girls and going through a proper estrogen puberty, body changes, and social impacts from them without my current coping skills and the same neglectful and alcoholic parents oh goodness my blow outs and the trouble would be legendary and certainly unfathomably different... So really I can only guess. (Though since girls puberty is in part driven by some aspects of weight. I would likely have been very late blooming something that my mother experienced and starting early who knows so many of what I struggled with growing up could just as easily have gone far better.)

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Post  mariehart1 on Fri Apr 12, 2019 12:37 am

I see what you're saying and indeed a lot of it resonates with me. In fact most all of it.

But stop, I mean STOP, STOP, STOP.

Accept who you are right now. You're thinking too much. All of what you write makes perfect sense but none of it helps you right now today in this moment.

Your past is the past, today is now the future is yours to decide. I'm the same, I indulge in the past but it serves me nothing except lessons learned. I only have tomorrow to look forward to. Tomorrow is the sum of times past and lessons learned. Tomorrow is the following day's past. The future is yours, take it and run with it. In reality there is no past except in our heads.




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Post  CarolynAH on Fri Apr 12, 2019 3:09 am

..


Last edited by CarolynAH on Sat Apr 20, 2019 12:43 am; edited 1 time in total
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Post  MichaelaSJ on Fri Apr 12, 2019 5:40 am

Next time you are in San Francisco, stop by Ferlinghetti's 'City Lights' books store and read your work to the crowd. (BTW, he is still alive and celebrated his 100th earlier this year.)

http://citylights.com/    261 Columbus Ave, San Francisco, CA 94133

You AND your prose will be welcome.

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If you don't want a man unhappy politically, don't give him two sides to a question to worry him; give him one. Better yet, give him none. Let him forget there is such a thing as war. If the Government is inefficient, top-heavy, and tax-mad, better it is all those than that people worry over it. Peace, Montag.
Fahrenheit 451
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Post  CarolynAH on Fri Apr 12, 2019 6:43 am

I do need to go to San Francisco and more. To the places where girls like us stood, spoke up, and sometimes fought. I had hoped to go with Liam to share and hear more about his happy times there.

And thanks... That one needs a lot of work. But feeling a bit of that bar's energy broke my block and I was able to get the rough arc down. I don't know if I could ever read my word doodles to others. It's not a serious effort, I have so little experience or skill. But to me it is a feeling that wants a voice and all I'm trying to do is listen and follow it if I can.
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Post  MichaelaSJ on Fri Apr 12, 2019 5:25 pm

CarolynAH wrote:But to me it is a feeling that wants a voice and all I'm trying to do is listen and follow it if I can.
I collect a lot of trivia and meaningless stuff, but every once in a while I come across something that sticks and becomes a part of me, this poem is one of those things:
'Hope' is the thing with feathers—
That perches in the soul—
And sings the tune without the words—
And never stops—at all—

And sweetest—in the Gale—is heard—
And sore must be the storm—
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm—

I've heard it in the chillest land—
And on the strangest Sea—
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb—of Me.

Emily Dickinson
I looked it up after reading (many years ago), a little book by Woody Allen entitled 'Without Feathers', a collection of silly quotes that he assembled.

Let your voice out. Many an important tome has been written while nurturing an alcoholic drink at a bar.

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If you don't want a man unhappy politically, don't give him two sides to a question to worry him; give him one. Better yet, give him none. Let him forget there is such a thing as war. If the Government is inefficient, top-heavy, and tax-mad, better it is all those than that people worry over it. Peace, Montag.
Fahrenheit 451
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Post  CarolynAH on Fri Apr 12, 2019 7:40 pm

Alcohol is interesting. I couldn't even stand the thought of even a sip of the stuff for most of my life. Transition and all that flooded out after and how I was finally no longer afraid of myself. Allowed me to try to heft a drink share a drink with others. In the end... I don't care for the stuff no matter how sweet the drink. I would rather master my fears and embrace my emotions than drink for courage or try to wash away my troubles. But I now at least can say that it's because I don't care for the flavor. I am not free of the traumas that I others gave me in their destructive consumption. But I am mastering myself, and notice I how even my biology is scarred from them. (Like any child of an alcoholic I find myself with reduced sensitivity and know all too well that it doesn't mean I can have more than others, but that I need to use other means to stay safe.)

And truly that is a beautiful poem. Despite appearances here and my frequent self depreciation. I am actually a hopeful person who does her best to be kind and positive to herself and others. I just always try to be grounded in my hopes for myself. As I find nothing hurts quite so much as to let yourself or others down blindly chasing hope. I think my biggest emotional challenge is forgiveness when I hurt. Like any true introvert I hold in and back so much without even a thought, and when something happens and I can't anymore the flood alters me and my relationships every time and is near impossible to go back even if I want to. Thankfully until recently it's been incredibly rare.

Liam's lies of omission and withdrawal of affection for so very long I am not even sure when it all started. And no matter how he tried to convince me he still cares, that we can be friends, and it's just his traumas. None of that could dampen the flood that came after, nor could my love, concern, or belief that he is truly a wonderful person at his core. Stop the emotional fire after that destroyed any hope of ever being together again.

The same thing with Moby he was my best friend. But his words that burned me that night changed me and how I saw our relationship and the issues I tried to ignore for so long. Sunday wanted to work things out with me, to logically analyze and enumerate our issues to fix us so badly it was worrisome and frankly annoying. I still feel nearly after nearly a week of nothing like doing so would be a mistake.

When my ex rejected any physical contact from or with me. There was no going back no matter how I tried to accept the reasonable voices of people telling me to give her time. It was too late something in me had been broken and though she never did try to save our relationship I don't think it would have mattered.

In the end it's this hard to explain visceral response that tells me get away. That to keep trying is not the song of hope but a lullaby of co-dependency. I think it's happening now more often not because I have become more emotional. But because I am choosing to honor that sense and value myself enough to not allow it anymore. I admit I need to temper and control these flames more. And tonight I hope to test that with Moby. At a minimum I will reset everything between us. And only do things outside our homes when others are present and do my best to be more assertive about what I don't care for.

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Post  CarolynAH on Sat Apr 13, 2019 8:05 pm

Well, the defriending and item exchange went meh. About what I expected, I was a bit confused when he seemed disappointed that I would not stick around to talk about it. As I had made it clear beforehand that I wouldn't enter his apartment nor invite him to mine. So he tried to negotiate a 30 day no contact. To which I reminded him I should be in the final stages of moving at that point and why would I want to complicate that with dredging up pain. And as he digged through the things I returned he saw the stuffed animals he wanted me to give my kids from him. And got upset that he thought we were all family and doing that really hurt him. And at that point I exploded. I was like don't you dare use my kids against me they are the one thing I have left. You can beat me bloody for hurting you and I will accept it as deserved but get between me and my kids or use them in any way and you will see a whole other side of me. And again I see why I am reacting the way I am. He is a good man in many ways, I recognize that at some level he cares. But something is broken, he has been working on making himself more bound to me and me to him and becoming more and more controlling and judging. I wanted company, friends someone to fill the space in my life as Liam faded away. And he happily filled it. He is not the classic narcissistic pathology. But also isn't far from it. Yeah, part of me knew I needed to get away I am glad I listened. Maybe I am oversensitive, maybe I have gone too far in my push back. But I need to honor my sense of something is wrong everytime I don't I get hurt.

I





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Post  CarolynAH on Sun Jun 02, 2019 7:34 am

Well the night is still young and I am waiting on the night club to pick up. Bought a new cookbook, a dildo,  went to a lesbian bar had a drink bought for me. And asked for a dance by another woman.

It's been a interesting few weeks... Lots of emotional ups and downs. Mostly because of my own poor self image and how important some of this feels to me. Like thinking I found a single pubic hair growing inside my vagina.  One stupid hair was enough to make me feel like crap for a day until I tried to find it again and couldn't.

Note to self don't drink... My eyes are so dry... And I felt almost nothing from the alcohol what was the point? The dildo is quite nice though...
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