Transition and memory

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Transition and memory Empty Transition and memory

Post  CarolynAH on Sat Apr 06, 2019 3:15 pm

Okay. I has struggled with insomnia all night. And perhaps I am just being wierd. And frankly I recognize that I am not exactly normal in how I experience the world much less memory and dreams.

I am just about six months post oo. In my bottom surgery. And I was idly trying to remember what having a penis felt was like. And though I recognize that I spent a great deal of my life trying to avoid thinking about it and disassociating from reminders of it. And other than an hour right after I woke from surgery when I was drugged up completely an everything was bandaged and my brain couldn't make sense of things in that fog. I have yet to feel phantom or sensory displacement. In fact those things were more likely before surgery than after So I lay here and try to recall moments of my past and what I felt. Emotional memory is mostly intact, abstractions perfect. But it's a bit like I am recalling a detailed story about another very different person's life. And lake the context to truly feel their pain or pleasure.
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Post  mariehart1 on Sat Apr 06, 2019 4:03 pm

I suppose you were a different person back then. I spoke to woman who had transitioned and she said something similar. She told me she kept one picture of 'him' to remind her of how far she'd come. But she couldn't really relate to that person and even felt slightly sorry for him. But in her mind he had ceased to exist. He was dead.


Of course I'm on the opposite side of this situation. I have to try and imagine not having a penis and I wish it away every day. I've managed to some extent to shrug off my male persona in recent years but you can't make it go away completely.

One day I hope to cross that line and wake up as me, groggy, in pain bus as me.

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Post  MichaelaSJ on Sat Apr 06, 2019 5:02 pm

I still have mine and I do not think about it. I do my best to hide it, even when using a toilet. I hate bathing because it is something that needs to be cleaned.

I have not had an erection in years and both the boys and the penis have shrunk due to a lack of testosterone. YAY!

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If you don't want a man unhappy politically, don't give him two sides to a question to worry him; give him one. Better yet, give him none. Let him forget there is such a thing as war. If the Government is inefficient, top-heavy, and tax-mad, better it is all those than that people worry over it. Peace, Montag.
Fahrenheit 451
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Post  CarolynAH on Sun Apr 07, 2019 1:17 am

I didn't mean as.much about my sense of self. Truthfully Ilin that regard like the changes hormones have slowly done more of a opening up, exploring, and connecting with all the ups and downs that brings when you have spent so long bottling everything up. Looking at old me is a bit like looking at pictures of myself in a old painful relationship with an old ex A bit sad with plenty of regret.

I was mostly amused and a bit confused by my difficulty. Not having experience in body modification or limb loss. I figured phantom sensations and such would be normal during the initial adjustment period. But other than having to adapt to a new emotional reality driving my connection to pleasure from my body and the very female nature of it. The adjustment has been really easy if a bit emotionally intense because some aspects are are muddled with my sense of desirability and self worth in a way that is not rational and tied up with other things from my past I am only just able to start working on.

I spent a great deal of time internally focused and found how this disconnect in my memory of my past was failing to properly map.to my current reality.
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Post  mariehart1 on Sun Apr 07, 2019 9:34 am

I read somewhere once that a possible explanation for our disconnect from the little man is simply that. It's not connected to anything. Having a female brain there is nowhere for it to go. It's a nice idea and does fit with my sense of it.

So you can't miss something you never really felt part of you. More to that the desire to have a vagina is perhaps because that's what we're actually missing. I know I feel that and I firmly believe it's a big part of my dysphoria.

I think we all wrestle with what it is to be transgender. Conflicting feelings swirl around our head. I want it to go away but it's part of me. Even post op it seems to remain until you adapt. It's difficult.

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Post  CarolynAH on Sun Apr 07, 2019 5:52 pm

I have heard that. As someone who spent a near lifetime hiding from who I am trying to argue with those feelings that I would never be "enough" that it wasn't real, that obviously looking at myself I was male. And to cement that I tried to burry myself in a relationship with a woman and avoided any connection with the LGBTQ community. It took me a long time to stumble upon and experience enough evidence that made who I am an undeniable fact. But still I held back out of fear and the feeling of commitment to the cage I had built around myself. In that fear.

In the end I agree, though I feel it's more complicated than that. That we each are a bit of an amalgamation which I think explains things like more being more likely to be autistic, have attention issues, left handed or ambidextrous, far greater diversity in sexual orientation, etc just to name a few.

Over the years I have found many little things about me that seemed to align far better with girls than boys. Especially if you allowed for that I hadn't gone through the "correct puberty". Honestly I can't wait to hit the five and ten year marks post.medical transition. Not that they are magic in any particular way. But that I know some things take time and that I have a lot of personal growth to catch up on.



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