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Belief in one's self

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Belief in one's self Empty Belief in one's self

Post  Lesley Niyori Thu May 09, 2019 1:52 pm

Some things, they just take time.

And I suppose the duration is unique to every individual.

I can now, more and more, see ME and not just ME but the woman who is ME in the mirror.

It's not an easy thing, and let me tell you girls, bald is a lot harder than not bald with this matter.
Because bald makes a masculine head shape a great deal harder to unsee.

But, I can even bald, see the woman in the mirror now.

But it's additional things.
The tone of voice seems more me, and less male.
Which is not to say my voice has magically altered. It won't for transgender females.
Unless you forcibly MAKE it change.
And I haven't done anything of a sort.
But, I 'feel' more female, just talking.

Belief in one's self is a powerful thing.
If you refuse to believe, then odds are not much is going to change for you.
Transgender women DO change a lot over time with hormone therapy, but, nothing radically magical like a cisgender female experiences during routine puberty.

I have been on hormones since early-mid 2014, and I think I have finally completed the part connected to 'believing' I'm all female.

No more can I look at my body, and have any doubts.
Emotionally I'm female.
Mentally I'm female.
Anatomically I'm female.
Intimately I'm female.
I'm a binary type of female if it wasn't clear before now.

He's gone. Utterly gone.
There's not even a scrap of him left.
Aside from my birth certificate that refuses to cooperate with my plans.
I'm going to need to finally knuckle under and force myself to stomache dealing with Service Quebec and get them to issue me a corrected birth certificate.

My parents are now gone.
There's no one to care I was once thought of as male.
My brother and his kids are cool with me being Aunt Lesley.
My sister, likely never see her again. I don't really have the energy to care.
Without mom to inspire me to make the effort to end up in Ottawa at Christmas, not sure how often I'll see family.
D'arcy is likely unwilling to be far from her kids while they remain kids.
My son is 25 and I'm guessing he's not planning to remain in Lindsay for long.

I'm pondering moving to Peterborough and a fresh start where I'm not a face a lot remember as a previous person as well.
D'arcy needs more than Lindsay can offer.
Sadly, we have a couple of faces here we don't want to leave though.
Bailey is a very wonderful young transgender girl of colour and 11 currently. We really like being there for her. She has a supporting family, but, there's never anything quite like an older transgender woman to talk to one on one about all the stuff we deal with.

But that's why staying in Lindsay is hard for us too.
Because I am basically all D'arcy has here in town.
For adult over 40 transgender women in town (who are out) we are all there is.
I'm not interested in pondering hidden persons. If I can't talk freely openly in public about transgender female issues for people our age, then there's no point really caring if the person is there.
Keep in mind, I understand the need for stealth by some.
Keep in mind, I expect a person in stealth to understand my need for someone who's actually there supporting me in public too.

I have made the decisions, made the adjustments, run the risks, and learned the ropes as much as is humanly possible in a 4-year time span. I've done what most girls do between 05 to 15 years of age. And I have done it within 3-4 years. That ain't easy.

It is handy I'm something of a loud and entirely extroverted person.
It's been tricky being a 7-year-old psyche in a 57-year-old body.
It has been mainly alone, and while clearly naive and largely clueless.
I am exceedingly educated in a whole lot of science and history and technology.
And none of it is of much use in learning to be a girl Smile
I've been with precisely 2 persons intimately, and one clearly hasn't counted for much.
I've learned how totally unfun online dating can be, and how men tend to be a loooong way from the Ward Clever daydream I had hoped to find.

Here I am, I've discovered I'm actually demisexual, and not really all that much in need of much in the way of 'sex'. I'm not asexual. I'm just I guess realistic for being in a 57-year-old body. I'm not 20 anymore.

I'm happy to be a woman.
I am living entirely as a woman.
I'm getting married in a few months as a wife. To a wife Smile
I will soon be addressed as Mrs.
I will get to live out my life as Mrs.
When I check out, it will be as the late Mrs.

My day is comfortably female.
I have stopped questioning anything about myself.
Not even the slightest portion of my being bothers me.
If you offered me the cash to alter my voice, I'd probably take a pass.
I'd gladly accept someone paying for electrolysis for the facial hair though Smile
But I haven't fussed over it much. I need a bath each day regardless of whether I need a shave or not. Shaving one's legs is a normal cisgender reality. I don't mind that I need 3-5 minutes with my face. Life granted me excellent facial conditions. I don't look my age even closely. Maybe it's the super aggressive exfoliating that happens from the aggressive full facial shave I give myself. Who knows eh.

I have I suspect, the ideal attitude needed for a transgender person.
"Fuck you" Smile
It seems to work when it comes to dealing with assholes trying to tell me I'm some dumb shit based on their even dumber religious shit.
When a TERF tries to 'explain' to me I'm not really a woman, well, shit, that line of thought is easy to reverse. "Prove to me you're a fucking real woman, you don't act or look like one."

The worst thing anyone here can do to themselves, is not believe in themselves enough to support being themselves regardless of what anyone will try and do to you.
I won't work for any fucking operation that has trouble with me.
I'd rather risk being homeless while searching for the operation that appreciates me.
And the truth is, there ARE places that will want the real you.
And the truth is if you don't think you're worth it, why should anyone else think you are worth it?
You have to be your own champion first.

I'm glad I get to be me.
I wouldn't have it any other way.

Last edited by Lesley Niyori on Thu May 09, 2019 11:03 pm; edited 1 time in total

Hi, I'm the forum's resident brat
I find it important to point out I am indeed the first member here Smile
Lesley Niyori
Lesley Niyori

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Post  CarolynAH Thu May 09, 2019 10:06 pm

I feel you, though in some ways I am also different. To be blunt I need to move to be closer to my kids but a dangerous depression has had frozen and me fully planned out for my suicide and only the act of obtaining the innocuous ingredient needed to make it happen but look like something else.

It does come down to seeing myself as not just a woman but one who has people who really care. To be able to move with confidence in my gender, sexuality, and ability to engage with and be loved by others. It's also that my transition is littered with mistakes, missteps, and harm done in what at times seems so very selfish. And then a friend trying to help pushed me. Her question was simple who are you attracted to? In my usual overly complicated way I tried to give a nuanced answer but the first word stuck women... And when she sent me a invite to a large lesbian social group, and I said hi, what followed was hitting home something I had been dancing around out of guilt. These are the people I have wanted to be embraced by almost from the start. Spending time helping each other. One woman who's going through a challenging moment in her marriage I am all to familiar with. In the process some of my negativity about myself and gender leaks out. And she has this look of what the fuck are you talking about. And makes it clear how she sees me.

I am still processing how i feel about all the replies, I didn't hide behind a avatar or anything like that and suddenly my days are filled. I don't know what is happening but I needed this. I need friends I needed community to move on and when I have the emotional energy and support to move to be with my kids but not alone and running away like before.


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Post  MichaelaSJ Fri May 10, 2019 12:43 am

the woman who is ME in the mirror.
And that is ALL that really counts, isn't it. Smile

"Disobedience in the eyes of any one who has read history is man's original virtue. "—Oscar Wilde.
If you don't want a man unhappy politically, don't give him two sides to a question to worry him; give him one. Better yet, give him none. Let him forget there is such a thing as war. If the Government is inefficient, top-heavy, and tax-mad, better it is all those than that people worry over it. Peace, Montag.
Fahrenheit 451
“lifelong atheist, not afraid of burning in hell,” Ron Reagan FFRF

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