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Post  mariehart1 on Fri Aug 02, 2019 7:39 pm

Oops nearly outed tonight.  20190710
The family is away this weekend and I took the chance to chill out as above with a gin and tonic. 
Suddenly there was an altercation at the back gate, a cat appeared exiting stage right followed by the neighbour's Jack Russell called Millie. Her owner the older neighbour lady was calling her back. While the gate isn't visible from where I sat. She could pop her head round the bamboo or even follow the dog. I promptly followed the cat. A quick change and Millie was restored to the lady. Who thanked me effusively.

Amusing but sad really that I still have to hide.

But I have a nice quiet weekend ahead.


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Post  xfortran on Fri Aug 02, 2019 8:34 pm

That is never a fun situation.

I have had my own ... mis-adventures with my mother-in-law showing up un-invited/unannounced.... she no longer comes over unannounced for the obvious reason.


Of course my situation has changed slightly since that time and I have even shown up at her place unannounced (dressed of course) I mean ... turn about is fair, right? (actually I am just pushing at boundaries)

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Post  Celia Eriksson on Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:09 pm

Hi Marie and Xfortran,

Marie, I wish I was there and we could share Gin and Tonics or wine and have a long chat! You are such a nice person! Well, Xfortran, (sorry I don't know your name), we all love to push the boundaries! Causing shocks of discovery with my voice is awesome.

Celia xx

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Post  mariehart1 on Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:21 pm

Wouldn't I love it Celia, we could chat into the night hours even with tea and biscuits. I just love to chat. All my friends know me for that. Just wish more of them knew Marie.

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Post  xfortran on Sat Aug 03, 2019 1:47 am

Celia Eriksson wrote:Hi Marie and Xfortran,

Marie, I wish I was there and we could share Gin and Tonics or wine and have a long chat! You are such a nice person! Well, Xfortran, (sorry I don't know your name), we all love to push the boundaries! Causing shocks of discovery with my voice is awesome.

Celia xx

It is Morgan but Xfortran works just fine too. Actually I was referring to my own personal boundaries.

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Post  mariehart1 on Sat Aug 03, 2019 10:12 pm

Well tonight it was all cats. I told them the boys were away and Millie is corralled. But they won't leave me alone. Three cats visit us regularly. Two are clearly from the same litter the other a tabby who is more friendly to us but chases off the others. It's hilarious.

It's raining today so no sitting out.

But I shaved everything and put false tan on my legs. Now I'm sitting in a party dress with no party to go too.
Sigh!
My legs look good though. Pity there's no one, no man to appreciate them. I should point out that I'm a product of my environment. The women of my neighbourhood are all like me, false tan, high heels. Scummers from Dublin 12. Won't mean anything to most but think 'Essex girls'.
That's me really.


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Post  Celia Eriksson on Sun Aug 04, 2019 12:07 am

Oh Marie and now I know.... Morgan!

The tan stuff is hard to put on evenly, I know!!!! I like the nivea tints for that, they moisturize at the same time, but they come in smallish tubes so I get through lots! Dries quick and goes on evenly, wait for it to dry though or it ruins ya clothes!!!!

Oh I see Morgan, yes we all have our own boundaries, sorry for getting that wrong, I'm not very good at social media, probably why we are the only three here these days!

Today, I played golf. Every time I get quite amazing looks as I smash the ball quite accurately, I am small as you know and knock it further than the average 58 year old 110 pound woman. I picked up my swing aged about 8 with my Father and I have never lost it. Not huge distance, but accuracy is my thing. Even with two big hitting men and a woman with similar skills to me, I did very well and got several pars, we played the par 3 over 18 and I won. I wear slacks and a golf top, but with a padded cami underneath.... I felt very hot and sweated under my golf cap.

The clubhouse is the best part usually, but some flys picked me out when it was my turn to order drinks, for I wore no make-up apart from mazzy and a light foundation. My soft deep voice is always a giveaway, and half the time I don't mind.... Nothing nasty was said and it never bothers me, I like letting guys know these days. Anyway it was a great day.

Tomorrow, I am locked in, coz of the Ride London thingy. All the roads are closed for a big cycle race. It should be called ride Surrey, for I am 20 miles outta London, but they come this way and back again, then round and round and back again and again!!!. I can't drive anywhere all day!

So it'll make my day off work be entirely at home. I'll probably get the rest of my housework done, which I stupidly did most of the other day, and then get my sewing machine out to do some bits and bobs on things I'm working on, but I'm missing stuff I need and could have bought today but I had to play golf!

I guess that, apart from the usual, checking any errant hair growth in the annoying places, maybe zapping other bits with my Tria .... that'll be about it with the useful stuff... no doubt, I'll be soon catching up with my latest netflix watch, Queen Of The South, a narco Mexican series that is quite gripping.

Celia xx

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Post  xfortran on Sun Aug 04, 2019 12:33 am

I can't say I have ever done the tan in a can. I tan fairly easily I just don't get out in the sun much. I spent three days out in the sun in Wisconsin at a family reunion and my exposed areas lost the office girl look as my co-worker likes to call it. (okay she actually said I looked worse, more like a zombie but I'd much rather be an office girl Smile )

No worries about the boundary thing - it could have been interpreted either way. I don't think your social media skills are the reason. I am often lurking but don't have anything to really add.

You have strengths that I do not yet possess. (golfing and the courage to go and do things like that)


I love cats - I have four myself... I rescued four as kittens from work (wife took one with her) ... a steel casting plant is no place for a kitten (or really anything alive to be honest)

My Sunday will be spent going to the city to pickup prescriptions and some groceries. Not terribly exciting.

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Post  mariehart1 on Sun Aug 04, 2019 5:14 pm

Well my Sunday was quiet. I spent the day doing what I criticise my kids for. Not getting dressed. I was. just swanning about in my pink dressing gown and equally pink slippers. That is until I spilled something on it so it went into the wash along with bed sheet because the self tan left it's mark.
No chance of sitting out today because it's raining.

But reality bites and I need to put some clothes on go grocery shopping too. No prescription though although I'm out. I have see the Doc about that and give 55 quid for the privilege of been told to lose weight, drink less and exercise more. He'll also ask if there are any other problems. I'll say no but in a way that means yes. I'd love to say 'Actually I'm transgender. Can you help me with that?'
I'd love to have someone to talk to about it sometimes. It's so completely internalised for me.

Anyway off to the shop. Lidl I think. They always have something different. My favourite bra which I'm wearing now is one of theirs.

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Post  xfortran on Sun Aug 04, 2019 8:08 pm

mariehart1 wrote:Well my Sunday was quiet. I spent the day doing what I criticise my kids for. Not getting dressed. I was. just swanning about in my pink dressing gown and equally pink slippers. That is until I spilled something on it so it went into the wash along with bed sheet because the self tan left it's mark.
No chance of sitting out today because it's raining.

But reality bites and I need to put some clothes on go grocery shopping too. No prescription though although I'm out. I have see the Doc about that and give 55 quid for the privilege of been told to lose weight, drink less and exercise more. He'll also ask if there are any other problems. I'll say no but in a way that means yes. I'd love to say 'Actually I'm transgender. Can you help me with that?'
I'd love to have someone to talk to about it sometimes. It's so completely internalised for me.

Anyway off to the shop. Lidl I think. They always have something different. My favourite bra which I'm wearing now is one of theirs.

Lots of things to do but we all need our time for doing nothing in particular, nothing wrong with it.

Maybe you should say that. Saying no but in a way that says yes doesn't help much if they don't pursue and have you explain (and no Drs here don't pursue the question either). I confess I do not not much about the medical system on that side of the pond. The worst case as I can see it is he says yes but ... and wants other things done before he will help. Best case he says yes and offers some options. No one says you have to take those options but it might help to know that you have them.

I don't have any Lidl's near me, but I do have Aldi's that I stop in every couple of weeks or so. On days like today when your family is elsewhere, would you feel comfortable presenting as female while you shop?

It was rather warm (low 80's F, or 26.6 C) and humid today so I wore a sundress and sandals.

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Post  mariehart1 on Sun Aug 04, 2019 8:16 pm

You know sitting here mellowing with a couple of gins. I have a slight Sunday evening dreading Monday morning feeling. Even though I haven't had a Monday morning job in years.
I've had my little break and the opportunity to be myself for a couple of days. But it's not the same, it's the difference with being a crossdresser and transgender. Dressing up is a destination for a CD. When you're trans it's only a catalyst.
It's not about the clothes. It's about interacting with other people as a woman. Which I didn't this weekend.
Oh well. Didn't get to sit out much either with the rain. On the other hand the garden has taken on a sub tropical look. If you click on it you get the full shot. 


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Post  mariehart1 on Sun Aug 04, 2019 8:42 pm



Lots of things to do but we all need our time for doing nothing in particular, nothing wrong with it.

Maybe you should say that.  Saying no but in a way that says yes doesn't help much if they don't pursue and have you explain (and no Drs here don't pursue the question either).  I confess I do not not much about the medical system on that side of the pond.  The worst case as I can see it is he says yes but ... and wants other things done before he will help.  Best case he says yes and offers some options.  No one says you have to take those options but it might help to know that you have them.

I don't have any Lidl's near me, but I do have Aldi's that I stop in every couple of weeks or so.  On days like today when your family is elsewhere, would you feel comfortable presenting as female while you shop?

I thought of it but I'm really someone who needs another person. I'm no pioneer. I've never had that. My holy grail is someone who's my wingman or woman. It only happened once. 
As for the Doc. I suspect he would be OK. He's young and I doubt he has qualms. The system here is quite liberal now. Apparently you can be prescribed by the main Doctor via Skype. I kid you not. He's American in fact. After that there is a process and indeed surgery is often sub contracted to the NHS in Britain. No cost to the British taxpayer I should hastily add. 

The system isn't holding me back. It's just me. Plus it costs. I can't see my wife paying for it. 

So telling him is pointless really.

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Post  xfortran on Sun Aug 04, 2019 9:46 pm

You have a beautiful yard.  If I could I would kill almost everything in my yard (I rent, so that is a no)  I dislike grass because it needs mowed at least once a week if not twice (my yard takes an hour to two hours to mow depending on how thick the grass is).  We won't even discuss the bushes in the front yard.  I tried to talk the owner into letting me replace them as I dislike them very very much.

You certainly have some confliction.  On one hand you would love to talk about it on the other hand you feel it is pointless.  Until you deal with the incongruity you are going to feel the conflict.  I know I am not telling you anything do not already know.  I can only offer suggestions.

I know that feeling of having to change my presentation back and forth is a motivator for me.

I see where you might say that about cross dressing, but yet when your family leaves you change into something more ... comfortable.  (I have been there, done it; spent every possible second there and hating having to change back)  The clothes we wear can be and often are an expression of our gender.

I was looking at it as presentation - it is a chance to interact with others while presenting as your inner self.  Feeling feminine while presenting as male is very different to me then feeling feminine and presenting as female... if that makes any sense;  I think my wording could be better I just don't know how at the moment.

As far as a wing person, I think we all wish for one.  Mine is MIA but the show must go on.  Maybe it is because I am an odd duckling or our relationship was just different,  but my wife was the first one I reached out to.  Something we talked about was how to make it work out for all of us, because we were a single unit.

Beyond a wing person, (girl) friends are certainly important because they will be honest with us and give some support (and advice).  In my case right now, that is my therapist (yay for rent-a-friends!) whom I would dearly love to have as an actual friend and one of my co-workers.

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Post  mariehart1 on Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:52 pm

While the flowers are mine the garden is down to my gardener. He's English and quite eccentric although fascinating. I have learned to leave him alone until the moment to pay him because unlike most English people allegedly, although I  haven't seen this myself he likes to chat. My best mate is English, he likes to talk too. Where did this English reticence myth come from?

He attended the free Rolling Stones concert in Hyde Park in 1969. He has a fund of stories and is very knowledgeable about all sorts. I do try to talk to him after I pay him when he's off the payroll so to speak. My wife wants to let him go but I point out that like her brother in law, who he also gardens for. We didn't spend all that money let the garden go to hell which it would if I tried to look after it. I don't know why he made his way to Connemara in the west of Ireland and I won't ask but he's here. In any case a lot of English end up here. It's a kind of escape and they are simply accepted.


As for me,  ugh,  you say 'I was looking at it as presentation - it is a chance to interact with others while presenting as your inner self.  Feeling feminine while presenting as male is very different to me then feeling feminine and presenting as female... if that makes any sense;  I think my wording could be better I just don't know how at the moment.'


It makes sense.


I desperately need someone who gets me. They don't have to understand being trans. I just need someone to simply accept it. I hoped my wife would. I hoped my sister would. I hope for anonymous people online who it turns out just want sex would. I hoped people I was friends with would just accept it.

Actually there is no one.

They have their own agenda and life. My sis who I came out to did rant, under the influence of wine 'Why does everyone come to me with their problems?' She's right but as a self appointed matriarch it goes with the job.

I didn't mention my 'issue' when I was with her lately. Problem solved. We chatted a lot about her life and her ambitions. My issues dissipated.

I'm the only one with a problem anymore. My wife follows the same thread. There is no issue if it's ignored. That's perfectly understandable. I don't blame her and it's not her fault. Doesn't help me much though.

I could push it but I'm not that kind of person. I do need someone to hold my hand.

That's not how it works though.











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Post  xfortran on Tue Aug 06, 2019 1:02 am

I understand.

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Post  Celia Eriksson on Sat Aug 10, 2019 11:55 pm

Hi Marie!

You know I get you honey. I'd hold you hand, as a friend. And like X, I understand.

Celia xx

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