What it is to be trans and still in hiding. Yet having a good life

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What it is to be trans and still in hiding. Yet having a good life Empty What it is to be trans and still in hiding. Yet having a good life

Post  mariehart1 on Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:29 am

It's summer time and the weather is great. Not as hot here as it is elsewhere in Europe. It's holiday time. As a reminder I'm a 'housewife' with two boys and a house to run. Unlike most house husbands I'm not actually a man so I take it quite seriously and joke with people about turning into my Mother although it's not a joke.

The boys have had a great summer, one thing after another for them and indeed they know it. Kayaking and sleepovers in scary castles, coding, funfairs and swimming and trips to hotels, seaside camp sites and lakes, water parks, forests and ziplines. They even get to cross the border. Plus the real highlight, the Fortnite World Cup. Duh!

As one said we haven't even left the country this year, they've been to France, Britain, Spain, Netherlands and Italy before the age of twelve. They've flown in skydive planes and done things most kids never do.

So a great time for them and they deserve it. They're good boys with lovely friends. Even the head teacher of the school said as much. So it's not just me. My youngest is a complicated character and I suspect he has worked me out. He confronted me the other day and explained that he was worried that he knew too much. He's ten years old. What do I do? The other is hitting puberty aged twelve so varies between grump and boyishness.

Yes it's been weird for me lately. Yeah I'm trans but is that the worst of my situation? It's no longer about me.

Then there's my wife. She has a tough job and I've often been subjected to a diatribe about her issues. She puts in the hours and earns about the equivalent of of $100,0000 a year. She asks my advice, I wasn't even a college drop out. I never went at all. My advice?

Well I'm good at cooking and looking after kids. I minded all her nieces and nephews over the years. I packed her bags today for her trip north to her sister. All her smalls, her summer dress, trousers and make up. Plus the boys stuff. Does she realise? None of my sisters husbands or her sisters husbands would be capable of that.

Of course I suppress things when I'm around family even if I don't try to act male anymore but of course family can' t see it. You're just you.

My unmarried sister visited this week. She came with a niece and nephew. The niece has bonded with my wife's niece and nephew. Actually more so than simple friendship. Which is fascinating because the boy is really quite attractive and my niece is taken by him. An interesting dynamic.

But my sister never for a moment looked at me and thought this is unusual for a man. She does know about me as a crossdresser from a moment when I went silly and exposed myself to her and another sister. So me being a housewife must surely make sense, yet it's never addressed.

Bit like my wife. I really think on one level she accepts me as a women but on another level she wants a man. Not sex but a man on other level. A man who can pack her bags, look after her kids and not try to have sex with her while never giving any indication that she's trans.


The best of everything.


Not for me .






Sorry I'm ranting. But I do think she has accepted me as a woman in practical terms

mariehart1

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Post  xfortran on Sat Aug 03, 2019 1:38 am

In my limited experiences ... women often know but choose to not say anything.

As far as the children, yeah they figure stuff out quick (my son has rummaged through my stuff and never said anything until I opened up the subject with him)

You will have to make the determination if you can keep sacrificing yourself, or if/how you can broach the subject with those who matter in your life.

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Post  mariehart1 on Sat Aug 03, 2019 9:22 pm

In my experience a lot of people notice but say nothing or maybe allude to it. Looking back I can see how people I worked with and knew well half suspected and maybe talked about it without ever being direct with me. Mostly that I was gay. I remember once one of the young guys 'joked' about whether I got my high heels stuck in the pedals. Completely out of the blue. One girl eventually came straight out and asked. This was the eighties and nineties.
In the 2000s the kids were more up front and asked straight out. When I came out to a friend he told me the entire shift thought I was gay. When I came out to another friend she was surprised but only because she assumed gay. But none really confronted me seriously.
You know thinking back I really should have just pretended to be gay. It might have helped.


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Post  Celia Eriksson on Sat Aug 03, 2019 11:22 pm

Oh Marie and xfortran (sorry I don't know your chosen name!),

I'll wager that they all know already. It seems actually that you are the perfect housewife and are doing a very fine job of it, you are clearly female, in mind, body and soul.

I sometimes look at other women's babies and wish that I could have raised one, to have that bond of lovng and caring for your own is very strong. You have tha and that must bring out a strong motherly instinct within you. I am so jealous of you!

It's great xfortran to have opened up to your son, so that he fully understands. I think you girls are a lot stronger than me actually, because you have ties that make it very hard for you. I have only ever lived with men and now I am living alone again, so it has been much easier for me. Yes, I have my fierce sister-in-law, family wise, and her hatred of me, but I rarely see her and that is about it. Its been so ever since my Father died and my Mother and I reconciled and she fully understands that she now has another Daughter. That is why I think you are stronger, not only coz of the children, but coz of the wives too.

Celia xx



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Post  xfortran on Sun Aug 04, 2019 12:12 am

I am not sure I am stronger... In my not so good moments, I carry on because the collateral damage is less with me being who I am, then me not being.

As far as the marriage, I would not rate that as something that makes me stronger as we have been separated a year now. Initially she was a boon but became more of a restraint. Hmm maybe I need to rethink things in light of something my Dr said. To paraphrase, You can't look at how far you still have to go as a measure of how far you have come. I would say the marriage made me stronger in some ways but weaker in others.

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Post  mariehart1 on Sun Aug 04, 2019 12:20 am

I'm not a good Houswife my wife is much better organised. But I do my best. But like all my sisters we are at best chaotic.
But I adore my boys and they are wonderful. I would say that of course. Once you have children life literally changes. That's normal. You must adapt.
But I honestly don't think that people who don't have children are losing out. Having kids is great but it's not everything. You can't miss something you never had.
Occasionally I wish I never got married but never having my boys because they are part of me. They hug me a lot. Maybe they know I'm a big softie. Of course they do. When they come back from the weekend I know I'll be crushed from hugs.

But never think that not having a child is a negative. I wouldn't even if I never did. Although I cannot imagine a world without them.

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Post  Celia Eriksson on Sun Aug 04, 2019 12:29 am

Hi Morgan,

Your Doctor is very wise with those words, I like that lots....  "You can't look at how far you still have to go as a measure of how far you have come."

Wow, that is perfect for all of us. I want rhinoplasty... and I will get it... absolutely! I would like my apple shaved and I want bigger breasts. It's always never ending, I have one so much and I still want more, more, more! I know I get attention but it's not enough. I do wonder sometimes about how far have I come, how far do I have to go?

Sounds a bit selfish of me actually. I hope that you have actually gained from your marriage and that I hope and think that it has made you stronger, for I would be happy that maybe you now know who you are now? Maybe you also know more about cis women's psyche than I, or anyone like me would ever know?

Sorry to have jumped upon that, for I know nothing of marriage, all I have ever had is one really bad long term relationship with a guy that started 40 years ago and lasted seven years until I 'ran away'. Then another when I was cheated upon. All those since have been fleeting and meaningless. Maybe you have it better, for you are not alone like me. Oh, I have friends, but here I am, sitting upon the shelf and I have been for several years now.

Celia xx (Oh, sorry Marie, I cross-posted there.... we are all here at the same time! Have to sleep now Marie and Morgan, goodnight!)

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Post  xfortran on Sun Aug 04, 2019 12:49 am

mariehart1 wrote:I'm not a good Houswife my wife is much better organised. But I do my best. But like all my sisters we are at best chaotic.
But I adore my boys and they are wonderful. I would say that of course. Once you have children life literally changes. That's normal. You must adapt.
But I honestly don't think that people who don't have children are losing out. Having kids is great but it's not everything. You can't miss something you never had.
Occasionally I wish I never got married but never having my boys because they are part of me. They hug me a lot. Maybe they know I'm a big softie. Of course they do. When they come back from the weekend I know I'll be crushed from hugs.

But never think that not having a child is a negative. I wouldn't even if I never did. Although I cannot imagine a world without them.

Yes we do adapt to having children and we have to change as they get older and their personality solidifies and matures. It can be painful and a pleasure.

I will agree, having children is not the end all - be all. And if you don't have children you can certainly mentor.

Your boys love you as is natural and your right, they know your a softie.

As far as keeping house, we all have our different strengths and weaknesses.

Actually I am working on seeing a future without the rugrat ... two more years and he is the age of majority.

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Post  mariehart1 on Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:13 am

xfortran wrote:

Actually I am working on seeing a future without the rugrat ... two more years and he is the age of majority.
Me too but it's a few years from now. But really can we ever let go? My Mother dying aged 89 worried about us and simply didn't want to go. She adored her grand children and they her. There is no escape and in truth I don't want to leave them behind.


They're away in the north this weekend and I'm bereft I've already half stood up and tried to send them to bed. Guess I've got it bad.

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