Musings and mutterings specific to transition

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Musings and mutterings specific to transition Empty Musings and mutterings specific to transition

Post  Lesley Niyori on Tue May 29, 2018 2:19 am

We're all humans too, and that means, regardless of being cis or trans, some stuff is inescapable.

During my transition, some things have been a big factor regardless of where I was in my transition.

Education and school. School is finite. It's a few years. High school is 4 years. College is commonly 2-4 years. In today's world of 2018, most places of education are a lot better than they were in the 70s. But, it isn't any sure thing. If you haven't started transition early in life like prior to puberty, you missed the whole get it before puberty option. If you are still in the education system, and not out, you might want to just wait until you're done your education. Education is hard enough already eh, and likely not cheap.

But in my case, well, I came out at 50.

So I even bypassed the whole workplace experience.

If you are not sure you can retain a job and transition, well, make sure you are ready to quit and have an idea what you are going to do next first. If you can't retain a job and transition, then chances are you're moving too. Add being ready to move to your list of 'be ready to do first' list before transitioning at work.

The plan is, you better have a plan.

I came out at a time when the marriage was already essentially dead from other factors. It wasn't my transition that killed it. If you are married and they don't know, don't expect the marriage to survive. It might, but get realistic, odds are it doesn't. Plan to suddenly not be married. My son was an adult, thus, there wasn't any custody issue. So when the marriage died, the only thing I had to deal with, is suddenly needing a new place, and a new lifestyle based on new economics.

Suddenly being single, and transitioning is NO picnic regardless of your circumstances.
There's plenty enough challenge in life going through it alone already. Being transgender sure ups the difficulty setting too.

I had to figure out rent on one means of income, as well as reinvent a wardrobe, as well as hormone therapy and all the chaos that will generate, as well as eventually experiencing GRS.
None of that is easy even if the cash angle is not a problem. Hormones completely mess up everything you once thought you knew. And surgery recovery is not something you want to do alone. I spent a full month under monitored care, and you betcha, I was so damned glad I was. I had my first girlie bladder infection within 20 days of surgery. Yippee. Easy to fix, not easy to realise it has even happened.

Just the whole process of switching from one way of living to another can be significant.
Yeah, I was born female. I was never male. Not genuinely. But, I spent 50 years unaware I was a girl. I have had to turf a lot of habits and conditioning. It's amazing how stressing that can be.
And here's a shock, no matter how successful your transition might be, even a lot of happiness can leave you maxed out tired. And chances are you don't spend most days 'happy'.

Transition is exhausting.

Regardless of how easy it is for you to find retail solutions for products you now need, you still have to do the work of going and finding/getting it all.
I've done a great deal of shopping in 3 years. But each day out shopping is still shopping.
And I haven't had to manage a school schedule or a work schedule or both.
So I can only guess at trying to do it in the off hours.

Reinventing your social life will be time-consuming even if pleasant. Don't expect it to be pleasant though. But it can be. Research all the places that offer in-person support before you transition. You ARE going to need them. It's 2018 thank goodness. If you are in a country not actually intent on killing you (Saudi Arabia, Indonesia come to mind as good places to not be in), chances are there are places. if you are blessed to be in some place like Canada, chances are those places are right under your nose. I live in small town rural Canada and I have several places even here in a small town.
It's not hard to find them. Just ask Google.

My own journey has been more custom based challenges that sound silly/funny/hard to take seriously. But anything that can depress you to dangerous levels is nothing to take lightly. I was lucky to have a supportive family. But they live a 4-hour drive from me, and I don't drive. Might as well be on the other side of the planet. I see my supportive family at best 5 days over Chrismas. That's it. I almost feel like an orphan. I have plenty of friends, but, it's when you live alone and have no one actually in your home, that you realize what being alone feels like. And I had never been alone for 50 years. It was a massive shock.
Add to that, my own psychological situation connected with my perception of my actual age. I feel most days like an abandoned child. Living in a nice apartment as I do, is small consolation to my mind. I've had to do a lot of growing up all alone without tangible guidance and controlling adults some days. It's particularly scary some days.
Somehow, all those years of raising a son were deleted from my mind.
I only gained a person I call 'dad' in recent months, whom I turn to for guidance and a sense of protection. I spent most of 2015-2017 feeling very frightened about almost everything.

Today I characterise my life as feeling like a preteen youth, trying to figure out teen experiences, all while living in a body that is rapidly heading for old age. And just possessing an amazing level of textbook knowledge of quite considerable sciences and history, hasn't been worth sweet diddly in figuring out how to be a girl. Just recently I learned why tub tops are so neat Smile I'm still trying to master my feelings for men. I live in a 56-year-old body. Medical science will never make it possible for me to have a baby, simply because I'm too old for that game. But I haven't escaped the intense desire to be a mom. I'm unlikely to even experience what it is like to find a man to love. It's a lot of emotional weight for what feels like a young mind.

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I find it important to point out I am indeed the first member here Smile
Lesley Niyori
Lesley Niyori

Posts : 756
Join date : 2018-05-18
Age : 57
Location : Lindsay Ontario Canada

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Musings and mutterings specific to transition Empty Re: Musings and mutterings specific to transition

Post  Lesley Niyori on Tue Jun 05, 2018 3:32 pm

Today, I sit here as always thinking about a lot of things.

Trying to describe perfectly what transition 'feels' like to another person that hasn't gone that route.

My life was 50 years totally wasted before I happened. Such a great shame considering how I now feel.

Hard to put exactly into words.

Like a sense of freedom, like escaping someplace truly unpleasant.

I feel an almost constant sense of giddy happiness that just never fully goes away.

I think thoughts such as "I wish I had known sooner".

I'm just so damned happy to be a girl. It feels so just plain 'correct'.

As frustrating as some parts of my current life can be, being a girl isn't one of those frustrating parts at all. So much of who I am and what I am is so much clearer today. So much makes so much more sense now. I understand myself better. Gone is the unexplainable unhappiness.

Most of my problems with the now are just routine problems any girl might have to deal with. I don't mind having ordinary girl problems. I mean, they're problems, yes, but, every girl has some problems eh.

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Hi, I'm the forum's resident brat
I find it important to point out I am indeed the first member here Smile
Lesley Niyori
Lesley Niyori

Posts : 756
Join date : 2018-05-18
Age : 57
Location : Lindsay Ontario Canada

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