What is wrong with me?

I think it's sad that I haven't gotten to where I am comfortable with myself.

I always get this way when I start considering the knife.
Pills aren't going to take me to where I'm comfortable in the mirror.
And surgery is an option. But I get disappointed in myself that I can't be OK with who I am. I just feel so shallow.

I wanna scream. It's sad that I have this opportunity I'm scared to take. Then I think it's shallow if I do. Then I just plain get scared of surgery. But I'm not happy... it's a circle. I think I'm healthy enough to accept myself for who I am, then I have these "insane" ideas that I'm so unhappy with myself that I need surgery.

I'm fine with being non-binary right? I like it. So why am I not happy? Why do I still have this drive to change?

So conflicted, it's sad I haven't and I'll hate why. Grrrrrr scream!!!


Edit:
Venting

You are more than the outer surface dear.

Pills don't just cure the surface, they cure all the way to the center.

If you had cancer, would you cure it?

If being the current you is endangering your life, why not 'cure' your situation?

Transitioning can be a cure if you let it.

There's nothing wrong with you unless you say there is.

Venting,

thank you.