What's in a name eh

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Post  Lesley Niyori on Mon Jun 04, 2018 1:50 pm

It seems so utterly commonplace to the narrative that we transgender persons lose almost all of everything when we transition. Friends, family, work, fraternities.

Not all of us, but too many of us.

When we pick our new legal name (it's not required, but it's often needed to demonstrate we are serious, all the same), we usually pick a new first maybe middle name, but we retain the surname/maiden name (if you're a girl like me, it becomes a maiden name eh).

When I transitioned, I wanted a genuinely new beginning. So I created a maiden name.

Now I have met people who are so annoyingly proud of their last name, you'd almost think they were taking credit for the past, or pretending they were the equal of it.

I have no issues with past now not living persons who are biological ancestors (for the most part that is, I have no fond memories of granny on my father's side... total worthless woman).
But I discarded my last name eagerly. It was the name attached to that life I was glad to be free of.

Glad he's gone. I don't want any pictures of him. I'm happy to think of him as 'never happened'.
Perfectly happy to eliminate all traces of his existence eh.

I'm not 'disrespecting' my father memory. His name was always doomed if I were to get married.
Now I don't expect to ever get granted a marriage to a human male. But as you all know, I AM a married woman inasmuch as far as I am concerned Smile If I had the free cash available, yep, damned right I'd change my legal name to my husband's name.

The thing is, how many here actually are out?
How many of you have lost family over it that are out?
What precisely is your attraction to your last name?
If you don't have kids, you have nothing to care about there.
I have a son, he's an adult, he's not experiencing any problems with his mom's kooky ideas.
Remember, if you get married again after a child is born, you can end up with a different last name all over again.

Changing the first name is easy. But, changing the last name is an actual REAL new beginning.
It removes you from your past more surely than just going with a new first name.

Hands up here how many liked their past self?
In my case, I'm glad the past is gone.
I am just the girl I say I am on my identification.
'Dead name'? never heard of him. You must have me mistaken for someone else.

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Post  Abby on Mon Jun 04, 2018 5:36 pm

Kind of changed all, but kept the family name ish. I double barreled it with the wife's one, so it would match our sprogs family name. It was silly as we all had different family names before that.
My wife would not change her name for mine as it's not the done thing were she grew up. But the child would take on the fathers name. I wanted him to have links to both countries so we gave him both. She's thinking of changing it now, but she hates paper work. At lest name changes here are cheap, I think I have spent about £120 but that's for new passports driving licence as well. The document was 17.


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Post  Celia Eriksson on Mon Jun 04, 2018 10:52 pm

Hi Lesley,

The out thing was so gradual, that it probably made little difference upon using my first name. I chose Celia as my female name whilst an effeminate gay man in my teens. I remember having two other names I also liked, Cecily and Helen, there were others on my list, but I plumped for Celia. I still like it!

I truly do understand what you mean about surnames. And, as you say, it is quite usual to keep them as I have done.

Yet, it would seem that many don't like either of their names. Think of popstars, film stars and so on, many of them change their names as soon as they hit the stage. They simply cannot wait to be rid of their given names. I imagine that any Jane Doe or Joe Bloggs would wish to change their name, given the chance. 

But, my surname is a little bit of me. It's quite common, especially in Scandinavia, which is part of me too. Though Eriksen is the more common spelling in Norway, there are many that have our family name there. There are many ways to spell my surname, our spelling is found in Sweden and Denmark as well, oh and Iceland of course, but their nomenclature is weird...

I would not change it, even though I have toyed with De La Croix, for many years. I still like it, and have been fond of it ever since my schooldays. We used to have a French School Teacher called Madame De La Croix and she was a very stylish, fashionable and classically beautiful woman. Gosh, I admired her and so wanted to be her. Were I ever to fall in the limelight, I would use De La Croix as my stage name!

So, as for family? Well, that went pear shaped when I was a young effeminate gay man and I started seeing a 45 year old. Somebody told my Father why I had not been coming home so often, and one night my Father bashed my head against my bedroom wall, many times. I left and never went back. I only reconciled with my Mother a few years ago.

It was easier with siblings and friends, they knew I was gay. I don't doubt my Father knew that too, but it was obvious that I had slept with him, and that was the last straw.

Well, I see the new beginning idea. It is a clean break, but I think there are things that you settle with and things that you quite simply do not. An example would be that I have thought for a long time about srs, and sometimes I have to admit I still do. I always end up telling myself that I am who I am, (and I know this sounds patronising and egotistical), that I am special and that makes me more attractive than any cis woman alive, to some men.

Yes Lesley, I like my past self. I have never hurt anybody, stole from anybody or upset anyone on purpose. I look at old photos and I see a younger version of me today, if I hate the old me, I hate me now. I understand anyone not liking their old self though, there can be a myriad of reasons not to.

There were times that I wish I'd done other things though, and I'd most certainly like to talk to myself at 18, were it only possible! But we simply cannot change the past, we need to think of the now and the future only.

The past is a lesson and it's nice to think back to happy moments. But never dwell too long upon the bad things in the past, it's not good for one's soul, I always feel bad when I do, especially where that first relationship is concerned....

Celia xx

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Post  Guest on Tue Jun 05, 2018 7:32 am

My surname has no bearing on my identity, apart from the fact that it's French, so it stays in place for a variety of reasons; practically - because it's just easier and makes logistics in life smoother; emotionally because I don't really care.

My chosen first name is a small step away from my given name "Riaan", I kept it similar so it doesn't bother me if people deadname me, since you could pronounce it any which way and it still works for me. Also, my mum chose my first name and, like so many things, respect for her and a rejection of forcing the issue just makes it easier to bear.

Rhianne was not my first choice but I'll rot before I get a middle name, never saw the point of them.

I would have chosen Jennifer, after the most beautiful love song ever sung, by the most beautiful boy ever.

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Post  Zedarius on Tue Jun 05, 2018 1:36 pm

I only intend to change my first name.
My last name, when spoken, has a great similarity to a kind of bread in the country it comes from... Which I think is great, and amusing (if only to me). Also, it's just easier and more practical for me to keep it as it is.

Middle-name is already the masculine variation; and honours a family member killed by a hit-and-run driver, so will be staying as it is...

It's really just the first name I have issues with (I've never actually liked it). It's also the only name given to me by a person who'd rather disown me.

So...

Begone!!! (When I'm able)
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Post  Celia Eriksson on Tue Jun 05, 2018 3:39 pm

Wow Zed,

That is sad about the hit and run and a very good reason to keep it.

I forgot to mention mine, I chose a middle name as Fred just did not hit the spot. So I went to history and settled for Gunnhilda, a modern version of Gunnhild, 'The Mother of Kings'.

Well, choose your name carefully, I took quite a while, years, it will stay with you forever, unless you want to go through a lot of hassle twice! 

Celia xx

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What's in a name eh Mtm
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Post  Lucy Catherine Schoon on Tue Jun 05, 2018 10:29 pm

I've but lots of though in my name.

My first is a simple choosing a female version of my male.

When I first chose it, I was dead against female alliteration. Geroge/Georgina, victor/victoria, glen/gelnda. It seemed like such a clique to me. I originally was going to be an Ariel!!

But Lucy felt more natural, it felt like ",me".

My second name is my mother's maiden name, choose to give myself name I can use on line as a paranoid way of stopping people from figuring out who i am in real life. But I prefer it to my actual surname. It has slight quirkiness, that suits me more.

The one thing that as always annoyed me, is that I have never had a middle name. Never.

So, it was natural for me to choose one. But I've given it a great deal of thought. I wanted it to feel like something that would have been given to me when I was born in the 80's.

My older brother has my dad's name as a middle , my other brother has my uncles. So I went with a sight variation of my mothers, because it seemed like most logical name to choose...

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Post  MichaelaSJ on Tue Jun 05, 2018 11:56 pm

I am happy with my name, although I have changed it to the feminine version, Michaela (Miki) Antonia.

I have no familial past I want to rid myself of, so here I am Michaela Antonia Perata. (I want the world to know I am here so I am posting my surname.)

Heritage wise, I am 1/2 Scot (Ayrshire), 1/4 Irish and 1/4 Italian (Liguria). I just like the way Italian names roll off the tongue.

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If you don't want a man unhappy politically, don't give him two sides to a question to worry him; give him one. Better yet, give him none. Let him forget there is such a thing as war. If the Government is inefficient, top-heavy, and tax-mad, better it is all those than that people worry over it. Peace, Montag.
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Post  jentay1367 on Sun Jun 10, 2018 5:21 am

My goodness, Celia, I had no idea you'd had such a rough go with your dad. I'm so sorry.
I actually changed my entire name. I had a very poor relationship with my father like you had as well. He'd always lamented being born a bastard child and never knew his birth fathers last name. So as it turned out, his last name and mine were nothing of any true value since my father took his mothers second husbands last name. That fellow turned out to be a drunk and wife beater so carrying on his name meant nothing to me.
Micheala OTOH has an incredible family tree. If I had been so blessed, I can't imagine I might have abandoned my surname so readily. I can certainly see why she would want to maintain it what with it being such a source of pride.
Since I was estranged from my parents and for the reason I'd stated previously, it was pretty easy to leave it behind on an ash heap. I think it felt a bit of a fresh start for me as well. Always happy to leave behind some baggage, if ya'll know what I mean.

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Post  mariehart1 on Sun Jun 10, 2018 4:39 pm

I chose Marie a long time ago. Partly because of a friend of my Mother who was very nice and pretty and I aspired to be like her. But mainly because I don't like my given name although ironically it is both male and female with or without a change in spelling. I did ask my Mother once what they would have called a girl but she didn't know. But being Irish it could well have been Mary, so Marie is close.
I wouldn't change my second name though because I like it and it's a quite rare Irish name at least a thousand years old. I think I've only met one other non relative who shared the name although it has been used in fiction several times because of it's strength. In fact it's been the experience of much of my family that friends use our surname when referring to us.
I also like Michelle as a name.

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Post  Celia Eriksson on Tue Jun 12, 2018 12:55 am

jentay1367 wrote:     My goodness, Celia, I had no idea you'd had such a rough go with your dad. I'm so sorry.
   I actually changed my entire name. I had a very poor relationship with my father like you had as well. He'd always lamented being born a bastard child and never knew his birth fathers last name. So as it turned out, his last name and mine were nothing of any true value since my father took his mothers second husbands last name. That fellow turned out to be a drunk and wife beater so carrying on his name meant nothing to me.
      Micheala OTOH has an incredible family tree. If I had been so blessed, I can't imagine I might have abandoned my surname so readily. I can certainly see why she would want to maintain it what with it being such a source of pride.
    Since I was estranged from my parents and for the reason I'd stated previously, it was pretty easy to leave it behind on an ash heap. I think it felt a bit of a fresh start for me as well. Always happy to leave behind some baggage, if ya'll know what I mean.

Hi Jess!

The sad part with me was, when my Father was failing in health, I happened to see him whilst driving near to my old home town, which is not too far from where I lived at that time.

I saw him struggling to push a cycle. He'd lost his license to ride his beloved motorbike apparently, yes he and my Mother were bikers. I'd not seen him for years and it was a coincidence that I saw him that afternoon, he was clearly struggling to get home from his work with this bicycle. I coldly carried on driving. It had not been the first time I'd seen him, I had been ignored in a pub and I did see him in passing when I was in my old town occasionally, blanks all around each time. 

But, it had been many years, twenty four to be precise, since we'd spoken and now it's thirty-eight, even after he has gone. 

But seeing him that afternoon, it was like I was being told by providence that there was something wrong with him. I worked out that he died about three weeks after my seeing him. It was very hard to come to terms with when I heard of his death, I had missed the news of it by two months because of what was happening in my life at that time. 

It hurts a little, of course. For I'd seen him struggling and did not help....!!!! But his anger and violence towards my young self for being who I was, kinda eased and eases the guilt that I, wrongly, feel to this very day.

If I only knew as a young man, when I left home, that I was jumping from the frying pan into the fire at the time, would I have stayed at home?..... no, almost certainly not. So how can I feel guilt? Coz I'm usually all forgiving and he was my father after all. 

The one good thing is, my Mother and I have since reconciled and I have a healthy relationship with her now. She is 79 and I love her dearly. Celia xx

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What's in a name eh Mtm
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Post  MichaelaSJ on Tue Jun 12, 2018 1:07 am

I divorced my mother when I joined and went active with the Navy. We saw each other at the major holidays and weddings, etc., but always at a distance.

While I do not believe my mother would ever have welcomed Miki much less, Michael, I sometimes long for what could have been a more pleasant relationship.

I still wonder, 10 years after his death, how my Father managed to stay with that woman who would embarrass him, and me at every opportunity. Fortunately, my Father outlived her by 10 years so he at least had that time for himself. He died a peaceful, quiet death after a long life.

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If you don't want a man unhappy politically, don't give him two sides to a question to worry him; give him one. Better yet, give him none. Let him forget there is such a thing as war. If the Government is inefficient, top-heavy, and tax-mad, better it is all those than that people worry over it. Peace, Montag.
Fahrenheit 451
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