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Thoughts,vague ideas and pleasant tangents.

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Post  Mariehart11 Sat Aug 20, 2022 12:44 am

I've  just  finished with  covid. I  was a bit sick with it. I got it it from my son who  brought it back  from  Denmark. I'm  irritated  about that because  two and a half  years into a  deadly pandemic which  killed  millions of people I  finally  get it and it amounts to  nothing. Thanks to  my three vaccinations probably.

I  didn't  even  get the isolation thing where you binge on TV shows and have  your  food brought to you. No, because  everyone else in the house had it I cooked and cleaned and cut the lawn.

A sister in  law also  had it and she  enjoyed the experience. She was minded by her sisters. A rare thing for a Mother. She enjoyed the  break  from being  Mammy by her adult  daughters and husband. I bloody didn't.

Well at least it didn't  kill me, which  was a bit of a  worry. Not  that I  care  about  dying. I'm  finished  anyway but I don't want to  go before my boys find their way in the world.

So give  me  five years so they can grow up.

If I'm still around I  may come out to them by then. Annoy  my  wife about it.


Last edited by Mariehart11 on Wed Oct 12, 2022 10:14 am; edited 2 times in total
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Post  Elizabeth Lynn Sat Aug 20, 2022 3:56 am

I’m so sorry Marie, that sucks. I’m glad you had the vaccine on board.

I had it in Jan this year. I’d scale the severity to be compatible to a moderately bad cold. Except for fatigue. Even after other symptoms resolved the fatigue prevented me from doing much for about a month, then gradually resolved over the next 4 or 5 months.

~ Liz
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Post  Anna Mull Sat Aug 20, 2022 4:19 pm

I've never had covid, but I've heard that even while vaccinated it can be pretty nasty (but considerably less lethal), so the fact that you took care of your family while you were all sick is impressive and I'm sure that they're all grateful for it. I hope that you're able to get some rest soon.

The last part of your post, specifically, I'm finished anyway, is a bit troubling, though. Are you okay?
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Post  Mariehart11 Sat Aug 20, 2022 11:29 pm

Not really Anna, but I suppose I'm a bit self indulgent. Feeling sorry for myself. I'm not okay in myself but I have children, teenagers to guide for their future. They are what's important. They're great kids and I must be strong for them.

Liz, I think it was similar for me. A bad cold over a couple of days. Then it seemed to ease so I we back to normal but fatigue kicked in. Even simple things tire me out. My wife got it worse. Loss of smell and taste. She went back to work but I took a call from her and it was obvious she was struggling. The problem is that she has a high pressure job in a private hospital. The Cleveland Clinic is visiting soon so she's on point.

I think she needs another week off. So I have no time to feel sorry for myself.
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Post  Anna Mull Sun Aug 21, 2022 7:20 pm

Hey. You're important. You matter. It's great that you're looking out for your kids, and it's okay to feel sorry for yourself, but for their sake and yours, you need to care about yourself, too.
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Post  Mariehart11 Fri Aug 26, 2022 11:45 pm

I don't really feel sorry for myself. It really isn't  my nature it's  a family thing. We cope and indeed my eldest  son is an example.

It does work against us I  suppose, I'm  transgender. It took  me a long  time to  actually accept it. Even now it doesn't sit  well with  me. I  feel  such an intense guilt about it. I came out to  my closest sister not long ago. She was  totally  accepting but since then I've completely rowed back  with her. Dismissed it really
. That's  me.

I fear rejection because of it. But  I  genuinely think I  will be  rejected if I  was to out myself. Not least  because  my wife's 100% inability to have  any form of understanding.

But I  understand why she cannot cope with the  idea and exactly why she is in denial.i don't  blame  her. She didn't  sign up for this. Neither did I but  hey I  imposed it on her.

It's  charming that you think I'm important and I matter. But really I  I never was and  certainly are not now

Yes I'm transgender. I genuinely hate myself for that.

I've tried to accept myself and actually I do. I am transgender.

But it's an awful burden. I don't want it.
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Post  Elizabeth Lynn Sat Aug 27, 2022 1:06 am

Marie,

Much of what you shared resonates with me. Given the choice I never would have chosen this pathway. Heaven knows I did my best to ignore it, avoid it, repress it. For 58 years. It became too much to keep at bay. When I finally acknowledged it I felt better. As I began to understand it, I felt better. When I accepted it I felt whole for the first time in my life.

I grieve at the distress it caused my wife. When she died I felt even more guilt because I blamed that distress for making her vulnerable to cancer which ultimately took her life. Even though we worked hard and had 7 wonderful years as Lynn and Liz, being the cause of a lot of unhappiness in those first few years will be part of me forever.

My kids and grandkids have done well with my transition and it’s never been an issue. It didn’t interfere with my job because I worked remotely. Where I live I have no relatives or people with ties to my home town. I chose to not tell my mom. She lives 12 hours drive time from me. She would accept me openly, but also worry and at 87 years old she doesn’t need something else to fret about. When I visit her I am her son. I’m ok doing that. I told my sister. She’s Baptist and struggled with it because of the clobber verses in the Old Testament. But she worked through it and later told me I “made a pretty good sister”. I told a cousin who is very dear to me, she celebrated. I told a niece who is gay, she calls me aunt Liz

I’ve had facial hair removal and am on estrogen and spironolactone. That is the extent of my physical transition. Unless there is suddenly a way to fully restore scalp hair, then I’ll be first in line.

So, it wasn’t my choice, but I’ve come to terms with it as best I can. I could never go back.

~ Liz
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Post  Anna Mull Sun Aug 28, 2022 8:05 pm

I was taught to hate it. I lived in a bad neighborhood that was also extremely religious. I had to cut ties with all of my friends and family for my own safety. I stopped pursuing romantic relationships because it felt disingenuous. I was an anomaly and the constant isolation, fear, and depression made it hard to function. I mentally prepared myself for the worse for years, and experienced homelessness with nowhere to go and no one to help me, all while trying to balance college and (eventually) work. I went through hell and back all so that I could live life authentically. And despite the pain and sacrifices, I honestly wouldn't change a thing. This isn't something any of us choose, but we can try to make the most of it. Our experience is fascinating in that it allows a level of introspection/self-reflection/self-actualization that most people don't even fathom. Because of what I've been through, I now know with certainty who my real friends and family are, and I'm much better off for it.
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Post  Mariehart11 Sat Sep 03, 2022 12:03 am

Thanks Anna and Liz. Almost everything you say also resonates with me. It's all quite different yet familiar. I really don't know how to reply. I sit here in front of screen with the cursor winking accusingly at me. Say something you silly woman. Something relevant and apt.

You two have had more life experience than me. Nearly everyone has more life experience than me. So my little traumas are but nothing but self indulgent dramas.

Anna
I stopped pursuing romantic relationships because it felt disingenuous. I was an anomaly and the constant isolation, fear, and depression made it hard to function.
I didn't even try. I maintained a vague fantasy that I was straight but my first romantic relationship was when I was 42 with my future wife. I had several unromantic moments with men.

Liz
Given the choice I never would have chosen this pathway. Heaven knows I did my best to ignore it, avoid it, repress it. For 58 years. It became too much to keep at bay. When I finally acknowledged it I felt better. As I began to understand it, I felt better. When I accepted it I felt whole for the first time in my life.
Yes the same. I'm doing it now, ignoring it. Avoiding it again. It didn't work the first time. All it does is make me angry and frustrated. Hence my rant here. The only place I can. In the real world I just pretend I'm some man. It's funny but when I deal with someone, usually a male workman and they accept me. I kind of feel victory. Yay I fooled him. With women it's no effort.

I feel bad about fooling people. My youngest son is very aware and understanding of gay, trans etc. My oldest is too but really he's a bit of a jock, in a nice way and other things are his priority. Although he's not sporty. He's an outdoorsman.

But I can't let my guard down with them even though I'm been the stay at home parent, the cook, cleaner etc. I feel I have to be their Dad. Even if my role is traditionally female. It's funny that both of them have commented about how it's insulting to women that they are stereotyped as the stay at home Mother. In fact many of their school mates Mothers are exactly that. The fact that I'm a 'male' stay at home parent is normal for them even if it's unusual in reality.


Anyway thank you. We all have different life experiences. But we all share the same reality that we're not. Well we're women somehow, born as male. I really wish we could somehow get that across to people successfully. They don't really understand even those who try to.

Well goodnight all.











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Post  Celia Eriksson Sat Sep 03, 2022 12:36 pm

Hi Marie,

Wishing you well, your posts are heartbreaking, but at the same time show a very strong feminine mind beneath. As always, l hope all is well.

Sorry l have not been online much recently, l simply have oodles of stuff to do.

Celia xx

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Post  Mariehart11 Sun Sep 04, 2022 12:07 am

Thanks C. You  don't have to  apologise for  having a  life. I  really  appreciate your  support and emails. Same  with  Anna and Liz.

I really  appreciate the warmth of  the support. Isn't  that what we're here for. This forum, small  as it is., supports us.

I can't  deny I'm going  through a  bit of a moment right now. But no one in my life knows it. Not my wife , not my boys. No one. I keep it  internal. That's what they want what they need.
It's strange for me really. Once I was irrelevant to most people, an aside. Someone who people knew but barely registered. Likeable but no more.

Of late people appreciate me, my sons obviously who love me and my wife who may have loved me but who now appreciates me and some friends whose motives I'm not sure of.

None of this is particularly relevant to the reason I'm on this forum. Which of course they are either unaware of or dislike. I find the best option is to accept it on one level and ignore it for the most part.


So I  get up every morning and carry on. For now., one day I won't be able to carry on.

That's  how it is. But my moment is nothing  compared to what some of  you women experienced.
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Post  Mariehart11 Mon Sep 05, 2022 6:22 pm

As you may or may not noticed. I've uploaded a new picture.

This morning I was home alone. So I decided that a bit dressing up and make up would cheer me up. It certainly did. So I took a few pictures with my phone. Despite the slightly serious face. I was feeling content.

I got on with my housework although admittedly my outfit wasn't the most practical. But that's how we dressed back in the sixties. I remember my neighbour gardening in a pretty mini dress back then.

But I was smiling as I vacuumed. Very Happy
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Post  Elizabeth Lynn Mon Sep 05, 2022 6:27 pm

What an absolutely wonderful picture. You are gorgeous!

I see contentment in your eyes.

Congratulations for claiming what you needed.

~ Liz

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Post  Mariehart11 Tue Sep 06, 2022 10:53 pm

Thank you Liz. It would  be remiss of me to ignore your  avatar. I love the  smile.

That picture is me. No doubt.

Wish I could stay like that.


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Post  Celia Eriksson Thu Sep 08, 2022 10:02 am

I have to agree with Liz, a very fetching, adorable look Marie.

I adore 60s fashion, do you temember Bewitched, l simply loved the late Elizabeth Montgomerys dresses in that tv show, she played Samantha. As a teenager, l dreamed of being like her and owning those. Not so easy to find good condition originals now, the price of them is appreciating too... l have a few packed away somewhere...

Wonderful fashion of the 60's, Elizabeth Montgomery...

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Post  Mariehart11 Thu Sep 08, 2022 1:56 pm

Oh yes Celia, I loved Samantha in Bewitched. Definitely  love sixties clothes. I think somehow our sense of fashion is formed at an early age and we both grew up in that era. What a time it was!

Of late I've been  watching ITV 4 daytime quite a  lot. They've been airing several sixties shows. The Champions, the Saint, Avengers. I love the fashions. I adore the clothes worn by the leading ladies. I also think they could be worn today. Anything goes now.

One thing I  definitely like is the current fashion for dresses usually paired with white sneakers or flat sandals. I'm a great fan of dresses. That I  suppose dates me. But I'm in good  company.  Last Tuesday I met my friend Mary. She was wearing a very pretty dress and I  rather gushed about about it embarrassingly. The cul de sac that I now live on has a number of ladies in my age range. They are often seen  gardening etc in dresses. Only last night one, Helen was filling the compost  bin with cuttings wearing a very  nice dress. So perhaps after all I  fit right in.

Impractical it might be for housework but I look good!
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Post  Elizabeth Lynn Thu Sep 08, 2022 2:48 pm

Marie, thank you for the compliment, I am humbled.

Oh! You are ladies after my own heart!

I love dresses and fashions from the 40’s on. One of my style idols is Audrey Hepburn. I adore dresses and the only reason I don’t have more is for a lack of places and suitable events for me to wear them. I have a couple of 50’s swing dresses (and the petticoats to go with them). As well as 2 50’s era sundresses.

My mom wore “house dresses” - simple affairs for everyday wear but I loved them.

And yes, Bewitched was one of my favorite shows and I crushed on Samantha every week, so feminine, yet strong, smart and always stylish.

Such fun talking about this!

~ Liz

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Post  Celia Eriksson Thu Sep 08, 2022 10:13 pm

Oh Liz... Audrey is one of my favourite film stars of all time. Her, Jane Fonda, Cary Grant and Clint Eastwood... well Cary and Clint for other reasons too... naturally!!!

As l am in a very pic loading mood today... here is Audrey and Cary together!

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Gosh, Cary was.... gulp... ahem!!!!

Celia xx

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Post  Mariehart11 Fri Sep 09, 2022 11:02 pm

An attractive couple. There was always something ethereal about her. As if she was here in this life but not quite . A borrowed spirit.

But I suppose everyone was in that era. In any era. I think there's always a point where you're at your peak, if not peak then the moment when you feel you have a future while leaving the experience of youth behind.

It's a sliver of a moment though. To me that photo epitomises that moment.

My moment was at the turn of the century aged forty. Just before I finally accepted myself properly and looked to the future. Somehow I survived that and I managed a future completely at odds with my reality.

Others here used that moment to transition. I just play dress up occasionally.

I look at the famous movie stars and musicians who were a feature of my life. Mostly dead and gone. The Queen indeed. All fixtures in my world. My Mother and Father too. All gone.

That is our fate too of course. Wouldn't it be nice if we could stop time somehow and just live there in that day or year.

I suppose that's heaven really.

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Post  Mariehart11 Sat Sep 10, 2022 6:51 pm

Also another woman i love is Joanna Lumley. 76 now I think and still beautiful. Very much a lady and from the TV show just watched, game as a pebble. I tried to upload a picture. If someone could upload one?

She's highly intelligent too.

Definitely a hero of mine.
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Post  Celia Eriksson Sat Sep 10, 2022 7:03 pm

Here she is Marie... !!!!

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Post  Mariehart11 Sun Sep 11, 2022 10:01 pm

She looked  great and she looks great  now in her  seventies.

I  think  she  would be a brilliant dinner guest.

I love to chat and gossip. You just  know  certain people are  the same. When I  meet  my friend  Caroline we talk  so much my jaw  is sore afterwards. You  just  know Joanna would  be similar.
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Post  Mariehart11 Wed Sep 14, 2022 9:31 pm

Well this thread is entitled 'vague ideas'. Overtaken by  the loss of the  Queen. Didn't  see that coming.

I'll  miss her.

So I'll  continue with vague ideas and thoughts.
Completely self indulgent.

But really it's quiet here for the most part. Bunny has gone missing. C'mon sweetheart unless Canada has been eliminated you're still with us.

If you don't come back I'll witter on forever about my issues.

No one wants to hear that.

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Post  Celia Eriksson Thu Sep 15, 2022 2:27 pm

Yes, where are you Bunny? She is possibly working on one of her projects.... a tank, a barbie or something. At least she is consistent, l take something up and then drop it and start something else. I just hope she is ok...

My latest is canal art, l am in the midst of painting five more in a kind of production line in my little garden. Here is two l have already done: (hold that bus, l am going to photograph them)....

P.s... l am sure Michaela is out there.... l do think of her and hope she is ok each time l come here...

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Post  Elizabeth Lynn Thu Sep 15, 2022 3:03 pm

Good morning my lovelies!

I’m so enjoying this thread. Celia, those are beautiful! I have to admit, I had to look up canal art, I’ve never enco7ntered that term.

Finally the summer heat is fading and the early morning has just a hint of approaching fall weather.. I have two pear trees that reliably produce abundant crops of pears and this is the time when they begin to ripen. The first harvest of a fruit tree always excites me.

Marie, nothing self indulgent about expressing your thoughts. Doing so is an act of radical self care. And where better to do it than here, and who better to share with than us?

Time to get going for the day and hopefully complete some domestic chores.

~ Liz

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